Battle of The Real Housewives | BITNB’S Unofficial Ballot for an All-Star Cast

It's no secret that one of my guiltiest, and most pleasurable, guilty pleasures on TV is the "Real Housewives" franchise on Bravo. I love it all: the expensive clothes, the glam, the fake friendships, the drunken antics, the beautiful homes and of course, the epic fights. Oftentimes, coming home to recorded episodes of one (or more) of the RH franchises is the one thing I look forward to after a long day. I don't know exactly what it is that makes this show so satisfying but I know I'm not alone. 

Anyone out there ever wonder what would happen if Bravo were to have a crossover cast? Throw 10 ladies in a house a la The Real World and see what happens when Housewives stop being polite (HA!) and start getting real? The“Real Housewives All-Stars!?”

Could you imagine the "Must See TV" that would come from, say, Kelly Dodd calling Bethenny the C word? Ramona fighting over rooms with Gizelle? Or Teresa getting in a battle with LeeAnne? I think my head just exploded.

So the next logical step: we need to put together our dream team and get it out in the universe or else it will never come true!

But how in the world do you decide who is included? It’s like picking your favorite pair of shoes - they’ll all important in different ways.

They’ll have to battle it out for the win! And since we know that the secret sauce to making a cast “work” is having a variety of personalities, temperaments and skill sets on a cast, we will have battle categories, twelve in fact. I’ll whittle it down to ten ladies to ensure no duplicates.

Take a look at each category below and cast your vote! The winners will make it to the BITNB Real Housewives All-Star Cast.

ENJOY!


1) Real Housewives: Battle of the Queen Bees

We’re coming in hot right out of the gate - this is an important but tough one. Queen Bees are the unofficial (in some cases self-appointed) leaders of their franchise. They sit beside Andy at the reunion, they get special treatment, they seem to have a say in cast decisions, they’ve been around a long time, they know how to stir the shit without looking like a shit stirrer (in some cases). I unfortunately couldn’t include Vicki Gunvalson since she was recently demoted to “friend” of The Real Housewives of Orange County so Tamra gets her spot. Same deal with RHOBH quitter Lisa Vanderpump; Kyle defaults into her spot. Choose wisely - this person will be the captain of the All-Stars ship!

Battle of the Queen Bees (select one then click SUBMIT):

2) Real Housewives: Battle of the Lushes

This is a fun one! These babes will provide all the entertainment and drunken antics we would ever need. We don’t just WANT a drunk on the team; we NEED a drunk on our team. And yes, there are a lot to choose from - apparently drinking yourself silly is a hallmark of surviving this franchise.

Battle of the Lushes (select one then click SUBMIT):

3) Real Housewives: Battle of the...wait, they’d all get along so there'd be no battle, they’re just nice ladies…Rational Voices

I had to dig deep on this one, especially from New York now that Carole is no more. All very interesting, mature ladies but not what you would call titillating TV. They typically get along with everyone on their respective shows, they have patience and kind words. Boring? Maybe. But we need a voice of reason every now and again.

Battle of the Rational Voices (select one then click SUBMIT):

4) Real Housewives: Battle of the Brawn

This is another fun one. This category is filled with ladies that could throw down if necessary. Not necessarily because of size but because they are tough and they don’t take shit (and we’ve seen evidence of this on each of their shows). This was actually one of the easier categories to fill and I could still think of at least three more I could add.

Battle of the Brawn (select one then click SUBMIT):

5) Real Housewives: Battle of the Glam

I don’t know if all of these ladies actually have a traveling “glam squad” (a la Erika and Dorit) but they all seem like they should. These ladies bring the glitz and the glamour everywhere they go and really, that’s part of why we love this show!

Battle of the Glam (select one then click SUBMIT):

6) Real Housewives: Battle of the Shade

These ladies know how to play the game. They get in there and they stir shit up and the result is pure TV gold. We couldn’t do it without them.

Battle of the Shade (select one then click SUBMIT):

7) Real Housewives: Battle of the Comic Relief

I like this category because these women are the ones who keep things light and poke fun at the others who are trying to be dramatic and serious. Their confessionals are hysterical.

Battle of the Comic Relief (select one then click SUBMIT):

8) Real Housewives: Battle of the Side Hustle

One of the great perks these ladies experience by being part of this show is the ability to bring their side passions to life in the form of boutiques, cookbooks, TV shows, beverages, restaurants and, of course, cabaret shows. They know how to take advantage of their time in the spotlight to make a buck. Are they all winning ideas? Surely not. But you can’t win if you don’t try.

Battle of the Side Hustle (select one then click SUBMIT):

9) Real Housewives: Battle of the Crazy

I know, “crazy” isn’t PC; but I mean it in the nicest way! This category is for those ladies who are a little touched, a little “on the edge” and when they go off, they go OFF. Have you smashed a glass? Hurled the C word at dinner? Made friends consider putting you in a 5150? Wielded a butter knife? Choked a bitch? Flipped a table? You’re on this list.

Battle of the Crazy (select one then click SUBMIT):

10) Real Housewives: Battle of the Newbies

This one is for those newer ladies who haven’t been around long but who have already established themselves as drunk, crazy, shit stirrers or refreshing, funny rays of light in their short time with us.

Battle of the Newbies (select one then click SUBMIT):

11) Battle of the Mean

This one is different than crazy or shady because it’s about knowing what cuts a person deep and then saying it out loud anyway, on TV. Even our favorite ladies know how to take someone off at the knees. Sure, some are more veiled than others, but they all can hit their cast mates where it hurts.

Battle of the Mean (select one then click SUBMIT):

12) Real Housewives: Battle of the Former Villains

We can’t have an All-Stars cast without a former villain! I think we can all agree we breathed a sigh of relief when these cats didn’t return…with maybe the exception of Jeana Kehoe who turned more villainous AFTER she left the show. Let’s bring one back to stir some shit up!

Battle of the Former Villains (select one then click SUBMIT):

*Yes I realize the rumor is that Kenya is returning as a cast member to Atlanta. For now though, let’s call her “former” because otherwise I can’t consider her for any other categories.

**Danielle is on this list and not the “crazy” list because she is no longer a full cast member, she’s an alum of New Jersey Season One and now just a “friend of” (if you can call her a “friend”).

BONUS: Battle of the Hot Husbands

I think for this one, we get a hot husband as a sort of “mascot” to drop by from time to time to look cute and bring our ladies drinks. Sound good? Choose wisely.

Battle of the Hot Husbands (select one then click SUBMIT):

VOTE NOW! Winners to make up the All-Star Cast will be announced by August 16.

Disclaimer: In the event of a tie, I will be the deciding vote.

All photos from bravotv.net.

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