Well, here we are.
We are one full day out from the election from hell and it doesn’t feel any less nightmare-ish. The tears have stopped for most of us, sure, but the total devastation and terror and embarrassment will continue for some time (four years?).
We continue to ask ourselves how this could have happened, how any rational adult could vote for Trump, how women or Latinos could ever debase themselves like this. But they did.
We underestimated the hate and division in this country. We really did. We were naïve. We thought most decent, hard working people – even if they didn’t love Hillary Clinton – would never allow a loose cannon reality tv host with no morals to become our President. It just wasn’t possible. But fuck – we were dead wrong.
Apparently we live in a country that is almost equally divided: 62,979,636 (46%) cast a ballot for someone who represents xenophobic, racist, sexist, white privilege douchebaggery; while the other 65,844,610 (48%) of us voted for inclusion and change and love and progress and freedoms and equality (and yes, fucking rainbows too). It seems that the bigger number should prevail, doesn’t it? But no - the electoral college fucked us again (see Bush, George W., 2000).
I feel about 5% better knowing there was a slight majority of us who voted for Hillary. It doesn’t do any good but at least we know where we’re starting from. We have a good base; now we have to grow it.
And that means action.
I thought about what I wanted to write about this whole mess. My first instinct was to put something together to articulate how awful this was for me and you and everyone else, including those who idiotically voted this way. But I think we can agree the real writers out there have that covered. Plus, we all feel it. Who am I to insert myself? We all know exactly what it means and that is why we are so scared.
No, I wanted to write something a little more outside the box. Something hopeful. So this is what I’ve come up with.
This is my list of the surprisingly wonderful things that are going to happen because of - or in spite of - a Trump Presidency. Trump voters might call these things “unintended consequences:”
1. We are fucking pissed and we are going to start kicking ass and taking names.
I can’t speak for everyone who voted for Hillary (but I will anyway…) but the feeling I get – from the news, from social media, from friends and colleagues, from Pantsuit Nation – is that we aren’t going to take this lying down. We are going to work together to make sure this NEVER happens again. Have you ever heard the phrase “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?” Well, it goes double for gay guys.
Us "nasty women" and "bad hombres" are going to come out of the woodwork and fight like hell to empower women, protect minority and LGBT rights, change the political process that allowed this to happen, and I don’t know – get free pizza for everyone on Fridays too. I think we can do it. If you thought we were meek, passive bystanders before, you red state, Bible-thumping, privileged white motherfuckers, look out now that we’re angry. We're “loaded for bear,” you rednecks might say.
2. Republicans and Democrats will start working together in Congress.
They will! They have no choice. They all know what kind of dumpster fire they’re dealing with. They know they will have to block and tackle his looney-tune bills and ideas and nominations. They will know – fuckin’ finally – that their allegiance lies with protecting the country not with their party. It will happen, trust me.**
3. Hillary Clinton will head up an organization or agency that will get shit done in spite of being shut down in the election.
Maybe she’ll even work towards taking down Donald Trump. I wouldn't be surprised if she found a way. The other thing she’s going to do? She’s going to start some kind of organization for girls and women. And girls and women are going to go there, perhaps it's a camp. And HRC is going to teach us ninja style tactics for taking over the world. You watch. You’re all in trouble.
4. Donald Trump isn’t really a conservative so he won’t push or pass the things he promised.
Oops, did they not know that? Sorry (I'm not sorry). He’s not really religious. He’s not really pro-life. He’s not really anti-gay. I think his supporters are going to be disappointed in the things he doesn’t do that he sold to them. “Oh, you mean he’s a liar Jen? How could this be?” Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings assholes.
5. The 46th President of the United States (Democrat, of course) is starting his or her campaign NOW.
That’s a long time to prepare. And by 2018 or 2019 he (let’s be real, she) is going to be more ready than any candidate in the history of this damn country. And those folks supporting Trump right now will pretty ready for her too because after 3 years with Trump their asses will be sore from all the fucking he’s done to them.
6. The Millennials are going to shake off their apathy and bring some Bernie Sanders-type socialist mayhem to this bitch.
That’s right. It will be a new era of activism. The ‘60s right here in the mid-‘10s (or whatever we are). We’ll get those youngsters moving and they’ll start taking over. Marching, spreading love, being open minded and inclusive, generally making the lives of Trump voters miserable. They’ll be using the wrong bathroom just to spite you! They’ll be running for your Senate seat and snapchatting all their friends to show up and vote! Do you know what they’re capable of if they actually try? They've been using technology since exiting the womb!
7. We have Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Tim Kaine and Corey Booker, among others, who are also pissed off and standing up for our interests in Congress.
These folks are fired up too and they mean business. We may have lost a Hillary but we have back up. They will protect us. They won’t let us down. They will make Trump’s presidency as miserable for him as they possibly can.
Oh and don't forget, we have Stephen Colbert, Samantha Bee and John Oliver to make us laugh.
8. The embarrassment we feel having Trump as our President is nothing compared to how much he is going to embarrass himself in office.
Just think of all the nonsense he is going to spew on a daily basis. The emperor has no clothes. The scarecrow has no brain. Sure, will it be an embarrassment for the U.S.? Yes, depressingly so – but the fact that he will be exposing his epic lack of intelligence, knowledge and vocabulary to the smart people around him gives me a tiny bit of pleasure. I bet his dick won’t work (if it ever did) for four years either.
9. That kid Barron is going to go off the deep end.
Were you watching him when Trump gave his celebratory speech? He looks like a kid who’s ready to light your kitty on fire. It will be a delight to see what he will do to terrorize his parents (and hopefully Trump’s idiotic cabinet) once in the White House.
10. Women are going to start working together and supporting one another, for real this time.
Of course, I am not speaking for the 53% who voted for Trump, but the other 47% of us have had a moment. We celebrated each other when we thought we were on the verge of history, and we supported each other when things took a devastating turn. Now we are joining together to make a difference. If that can really happen, there’s no stopping us. We WILL overcome the nonsense we’ve been subjected to from men for ages. We WILL empower women to bigger and better things. We WILL run the world.
I hope even the thought of some of these things gives even just one of you some relief. I know it's a long road. I know this is the most terrible outcome possible. But if we stick together and be good to one another, there's no telling what the next chapter will look like.
Oh and let's get rid of guns too.
Peace and hugs,
*My original title was "10 things to look forward to from a Trump presidency" but that one made me throw up in my mouth a little.
**OK I’m pretty sure this won’t apply to Obamacare. That’s probably fucked. Sorry.