I have terrible news. Everyone's favorite airplane distraction, SkyMall, the in-flight catalog filled with all the junk you never knew you needed or wanted, filed for bankruptcy protection last month. Sure, I never actually ordered anything from SkyMall, but I liked knowing it was there. Like KFC. Or The Container Store.
SkyMall has created products for 25 years for literally every situation you could ever imagine. Need an end table your dog can sleep in? A glow in the dark toilet seat? Underpants that give you extra booty? You knew where to turn.
According to USA Today, SkyMall suffered from declines in revenue since 2012. Apparently they didn't get on board with "the internet" as a form of "doing business." On the bright side, a couple of potential buyers have come forward since the bankruptcy filing. But if no one steps up with cash by late March, SkyMall's assets will be sold and it will all just be one vague memory of creepy statues and posture bras.
But wait - there's still time! Here are some items that you need to order NOW before the lights go out at SkyMall:
Swiss-Army type Camping Tool
Something came over me when I saw this. I have to have it. Is it a tool or is it a weapon? It's both! I love a multi-purpose item. I could hack your arm off with this little ax while filing my nails and popping the top off a cold brewskie. Genius.
Stress Relief Relaxation Pod Personal Sauna System
This is essentially a crock pot for humans. You won't believe everything it does: "the stress relief relaxation pod delivers an automated fusion of fitness benefits of high heat sauna, soothing vibratory massage, pure Himalayan salt detoxification, oxygen-ready and natural aromatherapy." Talk about multi-purpose! Now don't fret - they did have an error in their catalog that the max weight going into this thing is 225 lbs, but that was a misprint. They meant to say the POD itself weighs 225 lbs. Phew.
Replica British Phone Booth
I'm quite sure this is something that most people would love to have. Talk about a conversation piece! Whether you put it out in your yard or in your dining room, there isn't one f&ckin' person reading this who hasn't thought at one time or another "I want to take a picture in that thing."
Armadillo Beverage Holder
I had to include this just because.
SkyMall has several classic travel pillows and neck rests to choose from. (You can tell these are classic by the mustache and the art deco patterned airplane seats.) These are the kind of products you make fun of but curse yourself for not having on those flights where you just can't fall asleep. Don't let your pride come in the way of a little rest.
This goes in the "hmm, I didn't know that existed, but I need it" category. This is an ice shoot to help you get ice from your fridge into any kind of receptacle. Seems to me you could find many different uses for this thing, amirite?
Who wants a boring garden with just trees and flowers and mulch? Not me. I want to scare the bejesus out of anyone or any thing that has the nerve to walk on my property. That means birds, deer, drunks, robbers - whomever. These are just a few examples of the fear-inducing lawn art SkyMall has to choose from.
Sippy Wine Cup
Personal Oxygen System
Add this to your repertoire of hangover remedies and you'll never waste time being hungover again! Zap some O² up in ya and you're good as new.
Let's just call these pervert binoculars and move on. No judgment. Could come in quite handy.
Got a double date at the lake? Throw your keys in the middle of this thing and get weird.
Fire Burning Portable Hot Tub
Baths are so last year. What you need is a personal sized, wood burning, portable hot tub for one. Throw that baby in your yard or in the back of your pick-up truck for your tailgate and let your cares (and your pride) melt away. Also for your convenience, there's a handy wine ledge and SkyMall even suggests you can "use the flames to grill your favorite foods."
There you have it. There's something for everyone. Save SkyMall!