That was the shortest and most non-eventful episode in the history of The Bachelor/ette franchise.
Here is all that we learned:
1. Andi Dorfman needs some quick cash to pay her rent.
2. Nick might not pick anyone.
3. Raven has never had an orgasm.
(P.S. And Corinne finally went home. And by "finally" I mean fucking "FINALLY.")
So instead of ranting and raving about this episode (or lack thereof) and the fact that Rachel is now going into the final three even though we know she doesn't "win," let's talk about Nick and his journey thus far, as well as where we think this is all going. My opinion is "nowhere," unless the answer is actually just Dancing with the Stars and a gig on Entertainment Tonight...but we'll get to that.
Nick - I think we can all agree - is phoning it in. He's not engaged. He's not acting like himself (as much as we know of his past behavior). He's crying all the time. He's not doing anything naughty (except robbing us of a regular rose ceremony).
He doesn't even seem like he really likes anyone. He's sending women home indiscriminately, seemingly because they're not giving him the instant chemistry and connection he thinks he should have with them. It's almost like he's self-sabotaging.
It's a mess. At this point I really wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't pick anyone.
Let's break down the final three:
1) Rachel isn't a factor because as we all know already (damn you ABC) she is going to be the next Bachelorette.
2) Vanessa. Sure, there's some chemistry and respect there. Vanessa clearly has feelings for Nick and vice versa. But can we really see these two together? Vanessa certainly isn't going to move to L.A. for Nick and Nick isn't going to move to Montreal to give Vanessa what she needs in a partner. I just don't see how this works out.
2) And then there's Raven. Raven is probably the closest thing to Nick's "type:" she's playful and sarcastic and adventurous, but we also found out (ew, unfortunately) that not only has she never had an orgasm, she's never been in love before. This is where their age difference could be a huge factor. Another factor: this girl lives in the heart of the South and owns a boutique. I don't see this relationship making it to the real world.
I really think this season is a bust. I don't think any of them are Nick's lobster. So that got me thinking: what if Nick had any former Bachelor or Bachelorette contestants to choose from instead? An "All-Star" cast of past women who he had - or would have - chemistry with? Would that have made a difference?
Obviously I think the answer is "yes." Here is my Bachelor Fantasy Team for Nick:
#1: Kaitlyn Bristowe (The Bachelor Season 19, The Bachelorette Season 11)
I really think Kaitlyn is Nick's "ideal;" the one who got away. She is his perfect combination of articulate, smart, sexy and adventurous. Plus she has a naughty sense of humor. I think if Nick could Weird Science a girl, it would be Kaitlyn. Alas, she is still engaged to Shawn B and I don't see that changing any time soon.
Obviously Kaitlyn would be his #1, but there's also...
JoJo Fletcher (The Bachelor Season 20, The Bachelorette Season 12)
Not sure how Nick really feels about Southern girls (although he does have two in his final three), but JoJo is the full package and I am willing to bet Nick would have fallen hard for her if she had been on his season. She has that same combination of being articulate, smart, sexy and adventurous. Oh and being drop dead gorgeous doesn't hurt either.
Kristina Schulman (The Bachelor Season 21)
I really don't know why Nick let Kristina go. I think if he had given her more time (which is exactly what she said when he dumped her) he might have found out that she was many of the things he was looking for. Kristina was pretty outspoken from early on and I think had the kind of hutzpah that Nick could have really fallen for. Sad!
Jillian Harris (The Bachelor Season 13, The Bachelorette Season 5)
Another former Bachelorette who had the wit, the smarts and the feisty attitude that would attract someone like Nick. Not sure if she would put up with Nick's ego (although she did put up with Ed's for a minute) but I definitely think he would have eyes for her. (Yes I know she is now married - this is a fantasy league!)
Britt Nilsson (The Bachelor Season 19)
Britt is on my list as the Corinne surrogate. Like Corinne, Britt knows how to get a guy's attention...and keep it. She's dramatic and flirtatious and she doesn't care about "rules." Nick would be defenseless to her charms. Plus they both live in LA and want the same Hollywood dream. A match made in heaven? Can we make this happen?
Jubilee Sharpe (The Bachelor Season 20)
I also like Jubilee for Nick. She an army veteran, so she's no pushover. She's bold and intense but also very sensitive. She's got Nick written all over her.
I think this is genius. But unfortunately, you can't get another do-over Nick; you can't go back in time. You can only move forward with what you've got. Or go on Bachelor in Paradise again!
See you next week!
Photos from abc.go.com.