The Bachelor 21, Episode 7 Recap: Gold hearts, Platinum Vagines, Can't Lose

You brought this on yourself Nick (Photo from ew.com)

You brought this on yourself Nick (Photo from ew.com)

Well, this was a doozy. The tears were flowing once again – mostly from Nick. 

This season has gone way off course. It’s not fun. Everyone’s crying all the time. The group dates are a nightmare. The front-runners feel like shit, even though they are obvi front-runners. Everyone wants to go home. 

What’s happening? Is Nick all discombobulated because he’s been through this show so many times that he can’t just let shit be? He can’t let things flow? Is he too wound up? Did they give him all girls suited for Luke? I’m starting to think that maybe Nick won’t end up with anyone…or will pick Corinne so he can bone her and move on. 

The vibe is damn gloomy even though we’re in the tropics. 

Best of Episode 7

Rachel. I say this again and again but this girl is a class act. She’s so levelheaded and patient with the other girls, even Corinne. She’s the mama bear. And I loved the maxi skort (is that a thing?) she wore on her 1-on-1 date!

Vanessa. Gosh she is beautiful. I could look at her pretty face and long gorgeous hair all night. Did anyone else notice she barely wears any make-up? Anyway, I was happy she got to express herself and felt bad she didn’t hear anything back from Nick as far as reassurance (he’s going on the naughty list for that).

Nick. Good boy for sending Corinne back to her room. I mean, he’d have to be a reaaaaaaaaaaaaaal super dummy to do “it” with her, knowing all the other girls would DEF go home, but I will still give him credit for thwarting her advances. You know she was coming on like Donkey Kong.

Worst of Episode 7

Nick. Nick lands on this list for not giving Vanessa ANYTHING to go on after she poured her heart out to him. Nick is usually Mr. “Break all the rules,” couldn’t he have dropped the façade and just been real? Boo. Hiss. Boo. Beautiful Vanessa looked deflated. As everyone's front-runner, she deserved better than that. 

Nick's shorts. Nick, buddy. Your shorts! They are too tight and too short. Cover up!

The awkwardness. Nick having to go back and explain himself after his pity party the night before? Ouch. That date with Danielle M.? EEK. Playing favorites on the group date? Gross. Kicking Corinne out of his bed? Awko Taco! It all made me feel oogie.

Sending Kristina home. On one hand I give Nick props for sending Kristina home privately. I’m sure there’s no good way to let someone go – but that’s got to be the most humane. On the other hand it’s just plain sad. She is really a super sweet and down to earth and beautiful girl. Talk about a heart of gold (I can't speak for her vagine).

The Rachel gossip. I would have forgiven ABC for spilling the dirt early about Rachel being picked as The Bachelorette if she had, in fact, gone home in this episode; but she didn’t! Now we know she’s not the winner and are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. That means CORINNE is in the top 3? WTF?

Front-runners

We know too much and we only technically have three women left so this section is kind of shot to shit. 

If we are judging based on the quality of women left, we have a definite battle between Raven and Vanessa. I’m inclined to pick Vanessa, but who the F knows at this point. 

On one hand, Vanessa and Nick have OBVIOUS chemistry; she’s beautiful, caring and smart and comes from a big close-knit family (like Nick). Does she have the “edge” that Nick needs? Her relationship with him reminds me a little of his and Jennifer’s from BIP – who was also a little vanilla. Remember – Nick said on his last 2-on-1 date that he needs someone who is “adventurous” and “raw.” Is Vanessa that girl?

On the other hand, Raven is the more edgy and snarky and I’m guessing – adventurous – of the two girls, so she might be more Nick’s “type” (besides the accent). And she HAS gotten her fair share of group date roses. But have we seen the necessary chemistry between those two yet? 

The only way I see Corinne going all the way is if Nick has just thrown up his hands and is going to pick the one who will be the least heartbroken when he breaks up with her after "After the Final Rose" airs. 

OH! And as to who the “surprise” visitor is, my first thought was Andi. But that would be pointless because Nick has said numerous times (including to Andy Cohen on “Watch What Happens Live” last week) that he would not - in no certain terms - get back with Andi if he had the chance. 

So it’s either a trick (perhaps it’s Kaitlyn coming to give him some advice?) or it’s someone who truly does want another chance with Nick (Jennifer from BIP? That damn Liz?). Don’t get your hopes up that it's anything plot changing though – ABC fucks us at every turn.

See you next week!

Bossy is the New Black