Forgive my tardiness, but I did watch this season of Bachelor in Paradise and since I loved every bit of it I need to share some of my favorite (and least favorite) parts.
Here are my top five favorite things from the third season of BIP:
1) Carly. She was snarky on The Bachelor and even more so on season two of BIP, but this season was her best yet. She says the things we at home are all thinking and I think that’s why everyone loves her so much. Plus her evolution from not being attracted to Evan to falling in love with his quirkiness was awesome to watch. They are two peas in a pod.
2) The Twins. Aside from Carly, comic relief this season came in the form of Barbie doll twins Emily and Haley from Vegas. They admit they are dumb, but you almost forgive that for their great senses of humor and how they look out for each other and their friends. They are pretty funny drunks too.
3) Jared & Caila. Weren’t they the cutest? They would have made beautiful babies. But alas, it is not to be; they already broke up. Maybe they can work it out??
4) Nick. I’m not sure I think he was the right pick for the next Bachelor (um, hello, WELLS anyone??!!), but I liked Nick this time around. I think he is one of those guys that just clicks more with girls than guys. He seemed to fit in better and was more kind and chill. And you could tell it was hard on him breaking up with Jen. I appreciate a dude who actually cares about someone else’s feelings.
5) After Paradise. I refused to watch this the first couple weeks but was told I was missing out. And I was! It was interesting. It was fun. It was silly. It was sad. Hosts Michelle Collins and Sean Lowe balanced just the right amount of fan worship with pointed questions to the contestants. It was so much more fun than having Charrison there. (No offense CH.)
With the good comes the bad, right? Here are my five LEAST favorite things from BIP3:
1) Chad. What did they expect? It did give me sick pleasure that he shit his pants on TV but otherwise, waste of time. Chris Harrison acting all shocked and surprised about Chad’s behavior made me even more annoyed. This is idiotic, monkey poop throwing, little kid style nonsense. Give us a little credit ABC.
2) Ashley I-lashes. Ugh. Enough. SHUT UP. And fuck Jared for not setting this girl straight. The ONLY redeeming part of her being on the show this season was when talking to her producer she very astutely quipped: “they are going to make it like I was talking to a raccoon.” Truest words she ever spoke.
3) Josh. First of all, I have never seen a human sweat as much as this guy. It’s disturbing. Second, everything that comes out of Josh’s mouth is bullshit. I’m glad he got engaged so we don’t have to see him again (ugh, fingers crossed). I would venture to guess everything Andi said about him in her book is probably true. Plus all dude eats is cheese pizza like a 5 year old. Gross.
4) That nonsense with Evan going to the hospital. Who was the moron who thought up this bit? From the producer trying to wake Evan up, to the sometimes there, sometimes not bandage on his foot, to the non-gloved paramedic jabbing him with an IV and spurting blood everywhere – it was like an episode from a Telenovela. Stick to the regular drama, there’s plenty of it.
5) Pageant clothes and make up. Seriously ladies, you are in Mexico. You don’t have A/C. I get that you are on TV but tone it the F down. Put on a sundress, a romper or a even a flowy maxi dress for cat's sake. You don’t need to prance around in formal-wear at the beach! And can we PLEASE stop with the ginormous, goopy eyelashes? One of these days someone’s gonna smack a bitch with a broom thinking there’s a spider up in there.
All in all - a trashy and fun season. The consensus among many of my fellow watchers is that BIP is much more tolerable for pure trainwreck-watching fun than the Bachelor or Bachelorette will ever be. Do you agree?
See you in January for Nick as The Bachelor! (You didn't think I was going to quit did you??)