That was seriously a line from Robbie last night and JoJo slurped it up like coconut soup.
But plenty happened before that so let's start at the beginning, which was actually the ending of last week's rose ceremony.
You see, JoJo was having a mental breakdown because she didn't know what to do, but her voiceover told us she needed to say goodbye to Luke. Coincidentally, Luke pulled her aside to officially tell her "I LOVE YOU" - which you might recall are the magic words for JoJo.
So all this drama and the "to be continued" nonsense must mean she changed her mind right? RIGHT?!
Nope, the rose ceremony went exactly as it would have if we had just completed it last week - she sends Luke home. Noooooo!!!!
Luke, poor guy, is devastated. He looks blindsided. I feel a little blindsided myself. What more do these boys have to do? I know JoJo is a huge "words of affirmation" gal, but seriously - he told her she "had his full heart" and walked her down an aisle made of roses to a giant heart made of roses while the sun was setting and Sophie the dog was nipping at their heels. Is that not good enough??
And I'm sure that ABC is editing all this to make it look like Luke got the ax because he didn't say the magic words until too late. It had to just be a matter of JoJo not feeling the same feels for Luke she was feeling for the other guys. Right? She can't really be making her decisions based on which guy says "I love you" first/most.
Well, apparently she can because Robby is suddenly in the lead and our heads are all collectively exploding.
On to Thailand and the Fantasy Suite Dates
Date 1 - Robby
Robby and JoJo stroll around a market, get a foot massage and take turns patting Robby on the back for being the first to say "I love you." JoJo attributes the progress in their relationship to his early expression of these words and I can't relate because my brain, heart and gut all still tell me this is a huge red flag. But JoJo seems pretty happy so I guess there's not much we can do about it.
The one thing I will note about this entire date that tonight more than any other episode I really started to feel and see JoJo's connection with Robby. They seemed pretty schmoopy with each other. It even led Robby to say this nonsense:
"I don't have to dream about JoJo anymore. I get to dream with JoJo."
Long story short they spent the night together, had breakfast together the next morning and bid each other adieu so she could get to spend the night with two other guys.
This is the point of this show where the ooginess really slaps you in the face.
Date 2 - Jordan
I know Jordan is an athlete and all but if I was him and they made me go on a ginormous hike to a temple where I couldn't kiss I'd ask for a refund. That shit looked treacherous; even more so since you know it was like 250 degrees in Thailand.
Anyway, they do their hike and look at the temple and chit chat - again - about how JoJo is scared Jordan won't be in it for the long haul. I understand her reservations with this guy - he's an athlete and he already comes with a bad rep - but she's beating a dead horse a little. She even slapped him with a "That's what Ben said last season" when he insisted that he was in love with her (ouch). What can he really say to appease her at this point? I fear this isn't the last time we will be subjected to this conversation.
After dinner (and another standard reading of the fantasy suite date card, which - note to ABC - can you please revise the note on this card? Thanks), JoJo seems satisfied enough with Jordan's answers (for tonight anyway) to invite him to join her in the suite to get down to business.
Date 3 - Chase
Since everyone knows at this point who is going home I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this date, which actually felt like a fun, natural date. But we all know JoJo is infatuated with Jordan, and now inexplicably, Robby, so we know before we even get to the fantasy suite that Chase has no chance.
So let's just chat about how she let him go. Basically she let Chase think he had a chance. She agreed to spend the night with him. She continued on with him after she knew he was falling in love with her. I guess this is all standard for this show so I can't be too mad at her. But then - once they were already in the Suite - she let him dive deep into his poor, pride-filled heart, pull out those words she so loves to hear ("I love you," as if you could forget) and THEN decides to have the worst poker face of the season and send him packing.
What. A. Slap. In. The. Face.
I felt for you Chase and I would have been just as angry. It would've been kinder for JoJo to have just spent the night with him (no sex of course. No need to Andi Dorfman him.) and then sent him home at the Rose Ceremony which in this instance would have been the more humane choice.
Ugh. So much for learning from her time on The Bachelor.
Obviously two guys, two roses, nothing to discuss. Chase comes back for a minute to dial back his anger and I'm actually kind of bummed he did that. He deserved to be angry and he let her off the hook big time.
But whatever, at this point I don't give a shit about any of it.
This is our final two. Could we have two douchier guys going into the final? Any chance JoJo will pull a Kelly Taylor and "choose me?" THAT would be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!
P.S. Nothing about the Men Tell All special was interesting except the probable coronation of Luke as the next Bachelor. With the exception of Luke, Derek, Wells and JT, all those guys were cray-zee. Buh-bye.