Well, Bachelorette friends, we are getting close to the end of this thing. And it couldn't come sooner, right? Is anyone else dying for the cheesy but fun Bachelor in Paradise to start?
Not sure what is going on this season but it is a snooze-fest. Perhaps because the guys all like each other? (I'm not counting the faux drama that was "the Chad.") Or because we've known from the start who the front runner is? Or is JoJo just TOO perfect? Are we are longing for the days when Kaitlyn was banging guys and laying in coffins?
Whatever it is, each episode gets less and less interesting and makes me more and more likely to quit this shit.
But for now we have an episode to recap.
Hometown #1: Chase
Overview: JoJo meets Chase on a snow covered cliff in his hometown of somewhere in Colorado. ABC paints this poor guy's hometown date as "the guy who comes from a broken home." I don't know about you, but his family seemed pretty normal and to be real, the divorce rate was 50% until very recently so it's not that unusual that we have a divorced family in the mix. Jeesh.
Highlights: JoJo seems to get along great with this family and it feels like a natural fit. Chase finally tells J that he's falling in love with her. Good thing because apparently that's the secret code to get into the party.
Hometown #2: Jordan
Overview: Next we find JoJo in Chico, CA, which is chock full of deer and rolling fields. So Jordan takes her straight to...his high school. I know these kids are babies and still have fond and recent memories of high school (esp football players), but it annoys me to no end when dudes take their dates there. It's lame. Anyway after visiting HS and dodging some of JoJo's questions about estranged brother Aaron (#obsessed), Jordan takes her home to meet the fam.
Highlights: Everyone shuts down JoJo's repeated attempts (#obsessed) to talk about Aaron. Squash it JoJo! Again, this family is very sweet and very normal. I'm starting to guess that they pre-screen the families before these guys get picked to make sure they are TV-ready. All goes well and I think we can safely say that Jordan is still in the lead. That last minute insecurity from JoJo just solidifies that if you ask me.
Hometown #3: Robby
Overview: First off I need to get off my chest that I do not get JoJo's attraction to Robby and I don't get why he's still there. I don't believe their "connection." He seems like a robot Ken doll reading off a teleprompter. Anyway they meet in his hometown of St. Augustine, Florida and he takes her and her shorty jumper on a horse and buggy ride through the historic downtown area. It's very sweet but you can't really go wrong with a pretty town like St. A. Then they head to meet the fam and that's where the real (I mean, fake) drama begins.
Highlights: Robby's mom brings up that there is some dirt out there "in the world" that the hairdresser of the best friend of the cousin of the dog-sitter of Robby's ex-girlfriend is spreading around. Apparently the dirt is: Robby quit his girlfriend to go on The Bachelorette. Is that the most boring bit of gossip you've ever heard? OMG they are desperate to stir some imaginary shit up eh? Anyway, JoJo is hella-wine drunk and spends some time peppering Robby with questions (some more than once) about his ex and him being honest with her. But no, JoJo, Robby LOVES YOU and he said it first so there. Surprisingly (or maybe it's the wine talking) she tells him she is falling in love with him. I spit out my own wine upon hearing this.
Hometown #4: Luke
Overview: Ah, Luke. Hottie McCowboy Hotterson. Luke takes Miss J to his hometown of somewhere in Texas. They meet not only his parents, sister and grandpa, but pretty much anyone in his town who Luke ever talked to growing up. It's a party y'all! Not super intimate but I'm not mad at him - he's loved by so many people and to me that's a great sign. JoJo gets along great with (yet again) another well-spoken, happy family.
Highlights: Once the party's over, Luke takes JoJo to a romantic blanket covered pile of hay to tell her....not much. They just kiss a lot. And I don't know if it's just me but JoJo seems really withdrawn and sad here. Not a good sign for Luke.
But wait - there's more! Luke leads her to a flower lined trail that ends at a giant heart where he tells her...she has his full heart. He doesn't tell her to guard and protect it but c'mon - this is just about the same as an "I love you" or the over-used "I'm falling in love with you" don't you think?
Best part of this date: Sophie, the little Jack Russell doggie that runs beside their horses as they ride through the pasture with the sun setting in the background. Adorbs.
The boys each show up separately to a special Bachelorette-bedecked airplane hangar in an undisclosed area. Are we back in L.A.? Are we still in Texas? Who knows? It's not important. What's important is JoJo's dress. Va-va-VOOM. Boobs everywhere.
Anyway, focus! JoJo looks sick and sad and nervous. Probably because that dress is too tight, but also because she has strong feelings for all four guys. They all look the same so it must be legit hard to differentiate between them all!
Then we hear in her voice over that she needs to get rid of Luke. WHAT?!? NO! I do not approve!
But wait! Luke asks her to talk before she hands out the roses. HOW CONVENIENT!!! There's no producer involvement here. Naaaaaaaaahhhhhh.
So Luke has a convo with JoJo to tell her the approved language of the show: "I love you JoJo." No question. No dancing around it. He loves her. Boom goes the dynamite.
This sends JoJo into a tailspin because now she doesn't know what the fuck to do. She's so out of sorts, she squats down on the runway crying and that dress that looks like it's going to explode off of her at any moment. Now THAT would be exciting.
To be continued - those bastards.