The Bachelorette 12, Episode 6: Nice Guys Finish Last

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I think we can all agree that that was the lamest episode six in the history of episode sixes.

What is going on ABC? You have arguably the BEST Bachelorette in your history leading this show, yet you continue with gimmicks, producer-fed drama and inane editing to try to swirl up nonsense that not only makes no sense but isn't even necessary to hold our attention.

And you also got what you wanted, don't you think? Two kind-hearted, sweet, probably pure-intention-ed guys went home last night, while douche canoes like Alex, Jordan and Robby got picked to stick around. You couldn't be happier about that right? Because what you really want is for JoJo to pick someone who breaks her heart, or a a minimum stirs up a bunch of shit while he's still there? Right? RIGHT?!?

Ugh. This is getting tedious.

Plus we have another 2-on-1 date. 'nuff said.

1-on-1 Date: Wells

The first date goes to Wells (yay Wells) who everyone decides to make fun of as the ONLY guy who has not yet kissed JoJo (probably partly because ABC wrote "kiss me, kiss me boy!" on his date card), like getting to know a girl without sucking her face off first is a bad thing. What is wrong with these apes?

Anyway, she picks him up at the hotel and Luke (Luke! I expected more out of you!) decides to ask Wells and JoJo if they're going to kiss on their date, making it all very awkward and weird before they even leave. 

They head to Fuerza Bruta, a 360 degree postmodern theater experience in Buenos Aires. What does that mean? Well, we surmise that it involves people squirming around in water on glass floors, running on a giant treadmill, getting fake shot and doing stunt falls. 

After several wrenching, awkward moments where we were all screaming at the TV for Wells to make a move, he finally does - as he and JoJo are swishing around in the water in really tight bodysuits. And it looks like a good one! Go Wells!


At the dinner they chat and while getting to know each other Wells drops a nugget that JoJo seems to recoil from: he doesn't think passion can last in a relationship. Miss J does NOT agree with this. She wants a stud muffin who she is attracted to forever - or until he decides to dump her because that's what Jordan is going to do. Ooops sorry - Tourette's. Anyway, the crafty editors move us through this at lightening speed and next thing we know JoJo is waving the rose in Wells' face like a big ole "PSYCH" and sending him packing. Another tragic moment in this season of tragic moments.

The bullies back at the house rejoice that they were right that Wells was too wimpy to win JoJo's heart. And I see red, red, RED at the realization that Wells went home before fucking Alex.

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Group Date: Luke, Jordan, James T, Alex, Robby

As this collection of tards gets going on their date I desperately wish by some sort of miracle that Alex, Jordan and Robby would all get sent home tonight. I'm over all of them.

Anyway the date seems to be a stroll through town, scaring the locals and dirty dancing with the street performers. Oh wait, that was just Robby.

They end up playing a little street soccer and this is where we learn more about James Taylor's insecurities. Uh-oh, we know where this is headed. He thinks all the other guys are like, totally perfect, and he's a runt of the litter.

Oh JT, don't be like that. You are the nicest one there! Don't sell yourself so short.

And in a delicious bit of karma, JT wins the penalty kick and gets a kiss (a lame kiss, but still a kiss) and some extra alone time with JoJo. Great, right?

Uh, not so fast. JT used his sacred time to do the one thing you should NEVER do on this show: trash another contestant during your 1-on-1 time. Tsk tsk. He proceeds to bad mouth Jordan to JoJo and his story makes no sense. I think the gist of it is that Jordan is bossy and wanted the guys to follow his rules during a card game.

Definitely not tattle tale worthy material.

Perhaps JT thought this was his last chance to knock the king off his throne and ensure his own place on the court? Who knows, but it seemed like a bad move all around. Sort of like the bad move of - AGAIN - asking her if he can kiss her. I find this extremely annoying.

Guess what JoJo does next?

You got it! She runs straight to Jordan and confronts him with

Exactly. What. JT. Said.

Why do they always have to throw the tattler under the bus? And don't say "because the producer said so;" I don't like that answer.

Anyway you knew as well as I did that Jordan would easily explain this away right? Because that is what he did and JoJo seemed fine. How do we know this? Well, for one thing, she's back to running her fingers through his giant bouffant hair and rubbing his upper thigh like he's a giant cat. 

In other news: JoJo and Luke are so hoooooooooooooooooot for each other. They don't talk much but they sure act like they want to fast forward to Fantasy Suite week, like NOW. 

And so the rose goes to Luke.

2-on-1 Date: Chase vs. Derek

This date is just ridiculous. Case in point:

Finally the agonizing dancing act is over and we get agonizing dinner for three. JoJo gives 1-on-1 time to each guy: Chase acts like a brat who isn't getting enough attention and Derek says all the right things. Rose obviously then goes to ...... Chase. WTF??

JoJo, you are losing me. You are keeping a midget with anger problems and a Don Johnson look-a-like who told you he loves you after like 10 minutes, but sending home a beautiful baby like Derek? Um, what?

Poor Derek leaves in the van crying about not being enough while a sultry Evita wannabe sings "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" as Chase and JoJo make out right in front of her. Ugh, it's all so gross. 

Rose Ceremony

Let's get right to it. Luke and Chase already have roses. So the next ones go to Robby and Jordan. Looks like Alex and JT are on the chopping block!

But wait! JoJo needs a minute. She is going to tell Charrison that she doesn't want to give the rose to either of them, right?! I would love that! I would miss JT but I love it when the lead makes a bold move like that. 

Alas, it is not to be. This was yet another trick. And this one came directly from the master herself. What she meant was that she couldn't give out "this" rose because she needs TWO roses so that she can keep BOTH Alex and James Taylor. Again, I must say WTF? Alex? Are you flippin' kidding me? I don't get it.

Case in point: JT is relieved to get a rose; Alex is pissed off and calls it a pity rose. 

So I guess we're keeping six. My front runner was Derek and he got ripped from my hands like a dress at Filene's Basement. Now I'm team Luke all the way. The rest of those guys can suck it.

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Goodbye sweet Derek. Call me.