The Bachelorette 12, Episode 2: Villains Gotta Vill
Oh, ABC. Where did you get this guy? Are you paying him? Is he the star of the next Disney movie “Beauty & the Beast II: The Beast Takes L.A.?”
Chad is by far the most annoying and blatantly villainous cast member I think we’ve ever seen. And he’s piling it on for full effect – to get a reaction out of the guys, the audience and JoJo. Meanwhile he’s just sitting back enjoying it – and the meat – lots and lots of meat – laughing at us all for playing right into his hairy little hands.
But we’ll get to that…first we have to go through the standard date set ups.
Date Card #1: Group Date
Charrison shows up with his new ‘do and drops the date card on the guys. First date is for:
Right after they read the date card there’s an explosion! What could it be?? They all run outside like there’s any way it’s a legit surprise and find a limo on fire! No one bothers to check to see if JoJo is inside the limo; they all just stand around it laughing and pointing as she’s scraping the inside of the glass to get out. Just kidding – she wasn’t really in there. She’s on a fire truck with some hottie firefighters! Yowza.
The guys are apparently going to “light her fire” or something cheesy like that which I’m sure they snuck in there when I wasn’t paying attention.
But before we get to that, back at the house…
The boys are looking out the window at Chad who is – no joke - doing pull-ups with his suitcase full of ‘roid rage powder chained to his belly like some kind of weird circus act. What a chache.
James S. – the Bachelor superfan – provides delightfully snarky commentary and I suddenly really like this guy.
Back on the date, the group heads to a parking lot/fire training area and find out what they’re going to be doing. At this point I feel sorta bad for Grant who is most likely humiliated to be seen as any part of this little game - being a REAL firefighter and all.
But then I remember he signed up for this shit and deserves any and all shame he feels.
Daniel again shows his stellar maturity level with his: “Last time I pulled hose like that was probably back home when I was at my apartment.”
Dude, you are gross. Just gross. And you are giving Canada a bad name.
And then there is poor Wells, who is riding the struggle bus. You see, Wells is a thin guy. He’s not built like all the other guys. He doesn’t lift weights and drink protein shakes as his hobby. He thinks and listens to music and wears beanies. We hear guys interviewing that the equipment probably weighs more than he does. Which, quite honestly, it probably does.
Actually, I probably weigh more than him.
Anyway, Wells looks like he’s about to face plant so he gets a sanctioned time out, which also means a little TLC from JoJo. Not a bad consolation prize for almost dying, especially since it makes all the other guys jelly. But unfortunately he also gets picked for the next round of competition. Dang, that firefighter trainer guy is a bully! So basically it’s a head to head contest between Luke and Grant and Luke wants it BAD.
But alas, Grant, the real fireman of this challenge, wins and gets to carry JoJo out of the building which was probably the highlight of his year.
Back at the house, the guys – sans Chad who's off drinking his hater-ade – are coming up with a song about JoJo led by James Taylor on guitar. I shit you not.
At the cocktail party on the group date, JoJo takes the bull by the horns and picks the guys she wants to talk to. After getting cozy with the likes of Luke and Grant (or “The Chin” as I call him in my head), my man Wells gets the rose for being bad at firefighting but great at self-deprecation.
Luke is bummed, but I think we all know he has nothing to worry about. He’s got a big heart and a big…hairdo. He’ll be fine.
Date Card #2: 1-on-1 Date
Next date card is for…..Derek. Yay! He’s so dreamy.
He and JoJo get in her “whip” and she tells him life is all about choices. Choices like, should I go on this reality show or should I keep the last shred of my dignity?
Wait, no. In this particular case the choice is “sea” or “sky.” They both choose “sky.” They are perfect for each other!
They head to an airport and make a bunch of other choices and end up with a picnic overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. Neither of these two has ever been to San Fran, which I find strange…but then I remind myself that they are both probably only in their early to mid-20s. They haven’t been alive long enough to make it over to the western part of our fair country I guess.
Next up they head to dinner where JoJo dives right in and asks for Derek’s dating history. Sounds like he had a tough breakup that swore him off of dating…..until now. How convenient! They kiss and watch fountains and it’s so romantic.
I’m on team Derek.
Oh and I think there's some "back at the house" nonsense going on - the guys are singing again while Chad and the second biggest douche in the house, Daniel, are talking nonsense in matching black wife beaters.
Date Card #3: Group Date #2
This one's for:
This date takes the guys to the Hollywood location of ESPN. They are going to show their stuff with some touchdown dances and faux proposals. I thought this date was silly but cute, much like all the other dates the contestants are subjected to on this show. You know who didn’t think it was silly or cute?
That’s right: Chad the Chache. He thinks it’s all a big lie.
This whole show is a big lie Chache. Get with the program.
But even though Chad acts like a spoiled baby, dogs all the other guys and calls JoJo "naggy," he gets some love from the judges (the "SportsNation" guys) and from JoJo. She loves his honesty!
Anyway, thankfully James Taylor is the real winner and gets the #1 power ranking of all the guys on the date. I guess this means he gets extra time at the cocktail party? That's it? That’s how they roll this season I guess.
But he uses his time wisely: during his 1-on-1 time with JoJo, JT reads a letter/note/poem/soliloquy about himself to JoJo that brings her to tears.
Ding ding ding – guess who gets the rose!?
OK so here’s the deal. Chad is a douche. He’s the class villain. He’s there to “stir shit up” and “push people’s buttons.” He thinks JoJo wants a "bad boy" and that nice guys finish last. We’ve seen it all before.
What we haven’t seen before? The spread! They feed these people! Who knew? And Chad isn’t shy about making a plate…or two…or three…or ten. He’s stuffing face like he has just been lifting suitcases or something.
I don’t think I need to recap what happens next: the guys hate him. They think he’s an awful person. They think he’s awful for JoJo. That he’s “not there for the right reasons.”
Alex in particular wants to start a rumble (a la “West Side Story,” which Chad seems to know a lot about). I find it strange (or producer-induced) that the guys keep following Chad around and confronting him about being a jerk. Isn’t ignoring bad behavior the way to defuse it?
I don’t know. These guys don’t know that rule I guess. Cus someone’s gonna get punched, but not ‘til next week.
Going home this week:
Brandon the hipster
James S. (the "S" stands for "Superfan")
Sorry to see you go so soon James. Your commentary cracked me up.
My front runners:
- Derek. I had a feeling about Derek on night one, and after the 1-on-1 date I think he’s even more a shoe-in for at least top 4. He’s kind, sweet, mature and hot. Perhaps he’s a bit too demure for JoJo? I’m not sure yet. I sort of liken him to Ben Higgins – and JoJo fell hard for him, right?
- Jordan. We didn’t see much of JoJo and Jordan's interactions this week. Perhaps they are trying to throw us off the fact that he is the front runner? Anyway, I think we all know he will go far.
- Luke. Luke is pretty adorable too. Jury’s still out on his personality or sense of humor or intelligence, but he seems pretty legit that he's crushing on JoJo and vice versa. He's tall, mysterious and sexy. He’ll go far too.
- James T. JoJo was pretty moved by JT’s note/haiku. I think he's making a big impact on her.
- Wells. I like Wells. He’s not your typical muscle guy and I like that. He sucked at the firefighter thing but hung in there with a positive attitude and was rewarded with a rose. Go Wells!
See ya next week when we will have TWO episodes back to back! Do we have any hope that Chad will get himself kicked out in the first episode? Fingers crossed!
P.S. This also happened: