The Bachelorette 12, Episode 1 Recap: if you're not drunk, you're not trying hard enough
It's finally here!
The glamorous dresses! The big hair (on the guys)! The teeny bikinis! The shiny driveway! The drunk guys jumping in the pool! It's like Christmas and 4th of July all rolled into one.
It's the season 12 premiere of The Bachelorette my friends and I'm back, ready to make fun of it all just for you!
This season is going to be different right? JoJo is easily one of the hottest, most level headed Bachelorettes we've ever had. Surely she'll make smart decisions and keep ABC's nonsense to a minimum. Surely, right? RIGHT?!?
Well, not so fast...it's all falling back into place like Jordan's bouffant hairdo.
And away we go...
First up JoJo meets with former Bachelorettes Ali, Kaitlyn and Desiree. The biggest thing we learn from this session is that Ali picked Roberto because he was hot. Ha! The other thing we learn: these girls aren't sugar coating their experiences on The Bachelorette. Kaitlyn in particular scares the shit out of JoJo and tells her she has regrets. Girls are so honest - I love it.
Next up we have to make it through some really staged bio packages (ha) of some of the guys that made it into the cast. There's the firefighter Grant; the ex-football playing Jordan (that's Jordan Rodgers, brother to Aaron, in case you didn't know this by now); the Bachelor superfan James S; the former pastor Evan; the surfer bartender - and token Iranian - Ali; the bi-racial Christian who gets to the gym every day by 4:30 a.m.; the broody Texas war vet Luke. I don't put much stock into these pieces because we all know it doesn't mean anything. Some stay, some go.
On to the limos!
After a pep talk from a very sleek, shorter haired Charrison we're off to the races. Let's go through the highs and lows of the intros.
- Everyone tip your glass for the guys who just come out as themselves, who say hi, give JoJo compliments and tell her they can't wait to talk to her more later. It's the simple things people. Jordan starts us off with no gimmicks, just a story about how his parents have been together for 30+ years. Can anyone say "frontrunner?"
- Derek. I don't know how far he will go but this is guy seems like the full package: he's adorable (he's the one who looks like Jim Halpert from "The Office"), sweet, didn't bring a prop and gave JoJo a legit compliment about her personality. I hope he sticks around for awhile.
- Diversity. Glad to see that having a bi-racial Bachelorette (JoJo is half Iranian) is forcing ABC to mix things up with the contestants. Although, I personally could have swapped the half Chinese guy for a hot Hispanic or Italian guy, no? And we have enough angry white boys with poofy hair!
- Robby. Sure, he looks like Don Johnson. Sure he's got the floopy hair, and sure he wears loafers with no socks. But he brought a bottle of wine that they chugged right from the bottle as a nod to JoJo's mom hitting the (champagne) bottle on last season's The Bachelor. I liked it.
- The guys who need (or who are forced to bring) props: the guy who dropped his talking points and then read them out of order (Will); the guy who gave JoJo blue balls (Sal); the half Chinese, half Scottish guy who wore a kilt and said he wasn't wearing panties (Jonathan); the guy who brought an a capella group (Wells); the guy who came out of the limo playing the guitar (James T.); the guy with the 'stache (Chase); the guy that does a split (WHY Nick S??); the guy who brought the giant stuffed heart (Peter); the guy who dressed as Santa (Nick B.); the guy who rode up on a unicorn (Luke). (Yes, I took notes.)
- Chad. JoJo, pleeeeeeeeeeeease. Don't put us through this again. It's so old! YES, we all like a bad boy, but this guy is just a dick. It won't end well. "Come find me" - he tells her as he walks into the mansion. Fuck U. (If you don't believe me, read his bio on ABC).
- Alex. Sweet Alex. He's super cute but SUPER short. Sorry dude: If your suit fit right, your pants weren't floods and you didn't do push-ups at the cocktail party - maybe i'd have more empathy. But I do not.
The cocktail party
The cocktail party is more awkward than usual. Perhaps it's because we have more jerks than normal? Perhaps it's because the boys are drinking like it's 1999? I don't know, but it's a hot mess.
The highs are probably JoJo discovering she's got the feels for Jordan -- and gives him both the first kiss (that creepy one with Will doesn't count) and the First Impression Rose (FIR).
The lows would be Daniel not only stripping and jumping in the pool, but flexing and parading around the party in his panties like a clown. Another low would be JoJo interviewing that she didn't feel instant connections with many guys. I feel ya JoJo.
(I can't decide if Nick S and Vinny busting into JoJo's interview room like drunky monkeys was a high or a low. Let's call it a high.)
The Rose Ceremony
JoJo steps up to the plate to start pitching her roses but wait - there's a surprise visitor who pulls up outside. It must be some studly hottie coming to sweep JoJo off her feet! Or Nick Viall...
Ooops, nope, it's just Jake Pavelka. We all (everyone in the Bachelorette mansion and all of Bachelorette nation) hold our collective breath that this chache isn't joining the show. Besides being a total tool he's like, 800 years older than JoJo. Buzz off!
We finally get through it and PHEW it's just a trick. He just came to provide JoJo with some friendly advice to "be herself" (advice that she already figured out herself, thank you very much). Another instance of ABC throwing one of the least successful (and least liked) asshats back into the mix to dish out worthless advice. Let's move on.
Roses go to:
Jordan - FIR receipient, brother of Aaron Rodgers, big hair
Luke - broody war vet from Texas who likes unicorns, also has big hair
Will - weird guy with the notes
Chase - I've got nothing
Alex - vertically challenged Marine
James T. - Texas boy, big hair, plays guitar
James S. - Bachelor superfan
James F. - owns a boxing club, was wearing a black shirt, black jacket and red tie - 'nuff said
Nick B. - Santa!
Robby - Don Johnson, big hair
Grant - intense firefighter
Evan - used to be a pastor, now specializes in ED, looks like a French painter from the 17th century
Vinny - I've got nothing except he seems a little angry
Brandon - hipster with floppy hair who doesn't watch TV
Chad - mega-douche, needs a beard trim
Christian - bi-racial cutie who is a gym rat
Ali - Iranian bartender, plays piano
Wells - looks like Topher Grace
Derek - cute and sweet, looks like Jim from "The Office"
and of course ABC's pick:
Daniel - Canadian who stripped down to his tighties and jumped in the pool
Going home are Coley, Jake, Nick S, Peter, Kilt guy (Jon) and blue balls (Sal).
My frontrunners are Derek, Luke, James T. and Jordan*. I refuse to put Chad on that list even though I'm sure he's probably going to go far.
Until next week!
Want to choose YOUR favorites with the potential to win fabulous prizes? Download my Bachelorette Bracket and play along with me!
Download BITNB's Bachelorette Bracket here.
Write in your picks (for the whole season) then send it back to firstname.lastname@example.org before next Monday's show on May 30. I'll keep a tally of the scores at each stage of the season and keep y'all updated. First place winner gets a fabulous BITNB gift basket! Runner up will get a Bossy is the New Black t-shirt. Good luck!
*Did y'all hear about the post from Jordan's ex on Instagram about him being a cheater? Oh snap is right. Check it out: