The Bachelor 20, Episode 9 Recap: YOU get an "I love you!" YOU get an "I love you!"

you did this to yourself Ben (photo from heavy.com)

you did this to yourself Ben (photo from heavy.com)

I've been watching this show for a long time. I am usually all for the contestants breaking ABC's rules (or making up their own) to retain some sense of independence and SANITY; but this is a new one.

Telling TWO women you love them on a show where the premise is to keep your true feelings for the one you really love (or at least like a real lot) a secret until you get down on bended knee? A show where the lead has NEVER before said those words (on camera at least)? You'd have to be a complete fool to not know how not only mean, but how selfish that is. Both recipients of the "I love you" are now understandably assuming that they have the proposal locked down since they both watch the show and know this just doesn't happen

You're in a bit of a "situation" now, aren't ya, Ben Brady?

Sending two girls to the finale with an "I love you" under their belts is a surefire way to get pushed right off a cliff, or at the very least, punched in the kisser.

And don't even get me started about the fact that he told both girls he loved them right before they went into the "fantasy suite." Really? REALLY??

Let's get this over with.

First Date: Caila

Photo from tvjelly.com

Photo from tvjelly.com

Caila was up first and showed up on her date in yet another of her teeny crop tops and the ubiquitous jeans panties. I guess if I had her bod I'd wear that too but I don't so I just find it annoying. They head off to take a raft trip down the river commandeered by the oldest Rastafarian they could find. Caila is totally in her head during the date and Ben, who gave her shit just two weeks ago about her being too bubbly and smiley, proceeds to give her shit for being too quiet and broody. Make up your mind Ben!

Caila interviews that she realizes she's acting weird but it's because she has big news to share with Ben. But she saves it. She saves it until nighttime, right before the fantasy suite, where she gets validation for her "I love you" with some sloppy tonsil hockey. They continue to make out in the water under some fireworks then hit the suite and shut the doors where the real fireworks begin. Zing!

Second Date/First "I Love You": Lauren

Photo from abc.go.com

Photo from abc.go.com

Ben meets up with Lauren and guess what? That's right - she's got her jeans panties on. Paired with a slinky sweater crop top which is somewhat of an oxymoron but I digress. They take a very scary boat to an island full of pigs! Just kidding - there are no pigs; this time it's cute baby turtles! They are helping some conservationist guy clean off the newborn turtles and release them into the wild. After some awko-taco praying over a bucket, Ben and Lauren send the little guys off to live their lives.

Sidebar: I don't know about you guys but the first set of turtles and the turtles they actually send to the ocean are definitely not the same turtles. These guys are twice the size of the newborn ones. You can't fool me, ABC.

This date moves to a Jamaican "club" where some dude is singing a song about telling someone you love them. AWKWARD. Lauren thinks more about telling Ben she loves him but decides to wait.....until right before the fantasy date card. Perfect timing! But wait - she loves Ben and he loves her too! What!?! Unprecedented! 

Now that they're all "in love" with each other it's the perfect time to hit the sheets - amiright?

Third Date/Second "I Love You": JoJo

Photo from sheknows.com

Photo from sheknows.com

JoJo and her beautiful boobies show up -- in - wait for it - jeans panties! And JoJo doesn't let her sorta painful looking choice of pants keep her from attacking Ben with a classic jump and straddle. She gets right up on it.

These two get the luxury of a helicopter ride that drops them off next to a beautiful waterfall. And holy moly JoJo is wearing a bikini out of what I can only guess is Fruit Roll-ups (it's brown, so I'm guessing that's "fig" flavor...or maybe "apple"?). Anyway, they jump into the water, swim in the waterfall and have a grand ole time until her top dissolves in the water.

Just kidding.

Later, sitting up on the rocks, JoJo talks about love and all that stuff, and finally admits that, even though she's wicked scared (I added the "wicked," she didn't really say that), she does love him and she wants him to know it. And guess what Ben says?? You guessed it: he loves her too! JoJo then says, in unison with all of Bachelor Nation, 

"Can you say that?!"

The answer is NO you can NOT! But apparently Ben can do whatever the hell he wants - as long as it causes new and improved drama, heartache and the possibility of a major meltdown on National TV!

Ben (to his producer): "I am so confused. I like both JoJo and Lauren so much. It feels like love with both of them."
Producer (to Ben): "Don't keep that shit to yourself! You have to tell BOTH of them! See what they say!!
Ben (to producer): "OK that sounds like a good idea. My feelings are the most important, after all. Let's see what happens!"

Sorry - back to JoJo. 

After more canoodling and excessive use of "I love yous" they get the fantasy date card, put on new skimpy bathing wear and hit the hot tub. Then they hit the suite where you know they are going to shag rotten. I'm not so sure this is the way to go to win over JoJo's skeptical brothers, but hey - what do I know?

Post Date Reflection

After his three dates, Ben realizes just what a jackass he is for telling two girls he loves them. Just kidding - I don't think he thinks it's bad at all. He's just overwhelmed which he's going to pick. It's really hard to have so many choices!

But what he does know for sure: Caila isn't one of them. She has "all the qualities" he wants in a wife (e.g. perfect hair, perpetual smile, sex panther stealth), but his ability to love multiple women stops at two. He knows he has to send Caila home. 

He doesn't have to wait all day to do it either, as Caila decides to surprise Ben at his place! Lucky for both of them their producers are very amenable to an off-script rendezvous. Ben immediately takes Caila down to the water and sits her down on the hard stone steps to give her the hard news: you gotta go. At this point he also tells here he's in love with both of the other women. A detail that was probably unnecessary for Caila to have to hear.

No he didn't! (photo from vulture.com)

No he didn't! (photo from vulture.com)

Caila of course is devastated, but does a pretty good job of holding it together. She gets the info and then wants to get the fuck out of there. But wait - just before her breakup SUV drives away she pops back out and insists on knowing when Ben knew she wasn't "the one." I'm guessing this is because she offered him her flower and the greedy bastard took it. He claims he didn't know for sure until after all three dates. Hmmm. Yeah right. 

Caila gets back in the break-up-mobile and finally lets it all out. And although I feel really bad for her, she still looks gorgeous as she's hysterical crying so I am annoyed and jealous and then resigned to the fact that she's going to be just fine. 

Rose Ceremony

Finally we get to see Charrison! But we all know he must be in on this whole mess, right? When each of the remaining girls arrive and tell him "I told Ben I loved him - and he said it back!" Charrison has a little smirk on his face that says "Oh yes. I knew that! I am the puppet master and Ben is my puppet! This is my Season 20 masterpiece!"

He leads both girls down to the garden where Ben shows up and gives them the news about Caila. They then stand around toasting and staring at one another for an ungodly amount of time in the creepiest threesome ever before we are allowed to see the scenes for the upcoming "Women Tell All" and the finale.

You don't get two Ben (Photo from trend247.net)

You don't get two Ben (Photo from trend247.net)

This one's gonna be a doozy people. Hang on to your wine glasses.