The Bachelor 20, episode 1 recap: I can't believe I'm watching this again

The Bachelor Season 20 cast (photo from parade.com)

The Bachelor Season 20 cast (photo from parade.com)

Here we go again. Another season of asking myself “What’s wrong with you?!” because I cannot believe I’m still watching this show. 

But since I am notoriously horrible at denying myself anything that’s bad for me, I will continue to watch it, then make myself feel horribly guilty about it afterwards. Sounds fun doesn’t it?

At this point in the season while I am still feeling extra gross about the ridiculousness of this show, my recaps aren’t going to recap anything. They will just contain my reactions to the CRAZY SHIT that happened and who I think might make it far. Is that fair?

That’s rhetorical, you obviously don’t get a choice.

In no particular order, here are my reactions to episode 1:

-    I definitely got whiplash whippin’ my head around in a “Did that just happen?” fashion. It was on a freakin’ swivel. 

-    Good lord, who asked Chris Soules for words of wisdom about relationships or about how to make the most out of being on this show? He SUCKED. Whitney broke up with him like 6 weeks after it ended. I hope Ben took his advice (which I believe was “Kiss all the girls”) with a huge grain of salt.

-    It’s good to see Charrison but why was he dressed like a 1920’s mobster? 

-    ABC has gone seriously overboard encouraging/requiring the contestants to do a goofy gag as part of meeting the Bachelor. The only girl I didn’t want to slap was the brunette who basically just hugged him and moved along. None of these bits were funny. NONE. 

-    I found it annoying that instead of highlighting Ben’s current existence in Colorado they chose to take him back to the heartland of Indiana to show him wandering around corn fields and throwing footballs at big red barns. We’ve been through this schtick ABC. The hick from the sticks angle does not work. Show us how normal Ben is – that’s actually what makes him so different from all the Bachelors before him.

-    There were a lot of weird stripper names on this crop of girls. Is that the trend in baby naming these days? Or does having a name like “Lace,” “Tiara” and “Jubilee” just pre-destine a chick to a life of trying to get on to this misogynistic show? We also have women who just spell their normal names like strippers (Jami, Maegan, Mandi). 

-    Lace. Girl, I know your parents probably ruined your life with that name and it's not your fault but seriously, tone it down. It's just night one. Is Lace this season’s nastier version of Ashley I? Dramatic and narcissistic and needy? Can’t we just bypass that storyline this year? Pleeeeeeease? So tedious. There’s no way Ben chose on his own to keep her around. No way. 

-   I like that Ben is trying to reign in the kissing -- even if it is just on night one. I hope he uses his sensibilities to keep ABC from pushing him to make decisions that are not him, however...

-    ...he kept the Russian girl? Really?! And the crazy, flower hat-wearing dentist who told Ben he could "pollinate" her and – as one of my friends blurted out during the rose ceremony – looks like a tranny? At least he got rid of the chicken girl, but seriously – I don’t think he even knew about the chickens yet. He knew about the other two and still kept them.

-    Twins. Seriously. I just can’t. I just really can’t. Is this 1986? Is there a Camaro somewhere? Are we filming a porn? If they make the Doublemint Twins go on a 2 on 1 date with Ben the top of my head might pop off.

Mon dieu.

PHoto from eonline.com

PHoto from eonline.com

My first night picks for ladies that will go far:

Caila: even though her intro to Ben was super stupid (she rushed him and jumped into his arms, jump and straddle-style) this girl seems wholesome and sweet and is really pretty. I think she will impress Ben.

Joelle (Jojo for short): Jojo is a name you give a chimpanzee, but besides that she is really pretty and seemed relatively normal. Or at least less freakish than the others.

Jennifer: Ben had some alone time with Jennifer and they seemed to connect. I can't remember what they talked about cus I couldn't stop looking at her huge tatas.

Becca: I love Becca. Do I love that ABC will again exploit the virgin angle? Of course not. But I could actually see these two super attractive, innocent kids together so I'm rooting for them.

Jami: Jami is from Canada and says she is friends with Kaitlyn. I like Jami. She seems like a chill, down to earth girl and she's really pretty.

Lauren B.: Lauren B is the flight attendant from CA. I feel like Ben had a good connection with her. She has long blonde hair and I cannot distinguish her from all the other blondes, but I'm sure she's pretty.

I also sort of like LB (another Lauren). She looks a little like Kaitlyn but with a horrible Southern accent. I’m on the fence about Olivia, Ben's first impression rose girl. She is obviously beautiful but from the scenes she looks like she’s going to be the troublemaking seductress of the season. The Britt or the Tierra, if you will. 

Oh and I will NOT be watching Bachelor Live after each episode. That's taking things one step too far and I do still have some semblance of dignity. Or at least I will attempt to.

See ya next week!