The Bachelor 20, episode 3 recap: mean girls

Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing (photo from huffpo)

Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing (photo from huffpo)

Now we're cookin' with gas! This episode brought us at least five ladies in tears; a couple mean girl attacks; fat toes; a brutal soccer match; several injuries, a hot tub, a pool AND a massage and another woman who sends herself home. Oh and Olivia's still a jerk.

The show starts with several of the girls chatting about how Olivia is not a nice person. They go so far as to call her a "mean girl" (theme of the night!). 

We move to the mansion for the arrival of Charrison with the week's date overview. The mood in the house is somber and Charrison can feel it. He drops the card and runs away. This week we will have two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. First 1-on-1 one goes to...drumroll...Lauren B.

Date 1: Lauren B

This date involves a yellow bi-plane and the very strange placement of a hot tub in the rolling hillsides of bumfuck California. The connection and chemistry between Ben and Lauren is no joke. They canoodle and share stories and Ben even opens up about his dad's health issues. They both seem smitten.

I think we have a front runner people! 

Back at the mansion we get our first glimpse of the star of the main plot line of this episode: Jubilee. You see, Jubilee is upset that she is not Ben's "type;" that is, an always happy, outgoing, nice princess type chick. She vents to Jojo (who is consoling her second crier of the day) that she is nothing like the other girls Ben is showing interest in such as Becca, Caila and Lauren B. (I would also add Jojo to that list, which makes this whole convo very awko-taco.)

I think we can all agree that she is not like that list of girls. If she had any self-esteem she would realize that was not necessarily a bad thing. But instead she's let it turn her world upside down and she enters a pretty big funk that seems to alienate her from the other girls.

Things get even weirder later as the girls gather for the reading of the next date card. We hear Jubilee say that if she gets the date it will be, like, the "happiest moment" of her life. I think she scared a few more people with that one. 

But alas, we won't know the recipient of the happy moment just yet, for this is the group date card.

Group Date - "Love is the Goal"

Leah
Amanda
Haley
Jennifer
Shushanna
Amber
Lauren H
Olivia
Jamie
Rachel
Emily
Lace

You guessed it - it's soccer! The girls are going to split into teams "coached" by none other than U.S. women’s soccer world champions Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara. And much to my surprise this friendly match turns into a BATTLE once the women find out the winning team will get to attend a post-game cocktail party with Ben. It's Stars vs Stripes my friends and it's on like Donkey Kong. 

Despite that fact that twin Emily slays as the Stars' goalie, the Stripes pull out the win with Amber scoring the winning goal. She tears off her top a la Brandi Chastain as the losers head to the locker rooms and the winners start poppin' bottles. To be expected, the Stars are pretty bummed. They trudge back to the mansion with plenty of tears and injuries, including Rachel who is gallantly carried back home by Shushanna. They grow 'em strong in Russia.

Ben and the Stripes clean up and hit the roof top for the party. Not two seconds after Ben finishes his "I can't wait to spend time with all of you" speech, Olivia jumps in with her signature "Can I grab you?" line in her best whiny, baby voice. The other girls are disgusted but quickly make themselves feel better by gossiping about her fat toes and horrid breath. This seems to be an Amber and Lace driven "Mean Girls" moment, but we also get a jab by Haley wondering about Olivia's fake boobs.

Self proclaimed friend-o'-Olivia Jami wastes no time filling Olivia in and tells her the girls were doggin' her for her "appearances." Olivia tries to guess what they were picking on her for -- suggesting her calves, then her cankles. But no, it's your fat toes Olivia! #perfectionislame.

Back at the ranch it looks like they rustled the girls out of bed for the next date card because Jubilee looks rough. I guess she didn't learn anything from the Britt school of "wear your make up to bed in case you get a date." Pity.

Anyway as we suspect based on all the obvious signs and previews, Jubilee gets the date. She hops out of her seat like she just won the $1.5B Powerball and scares the bejesus out of all the other girls. There is something not quite right about Jubes (rhymes with pubes), but let's carry on. 

Ben and Jubilee (photo from abc.go.com)

Ben and Jubilee (photo from abc.go.com)

Date 3: Jubilee

The girls all gather to send Jubes off on her date. She comes downstairs in yet another all white ensemble, this one a cropped pant/crop top get up that I'm quite sure she's not wearing underpants with. Oooh boy. She's got some serious nighttime make-up going on too. I find it strange that the same girl who was crying about Ben's puritan taste in girls chose to go gangbusters on the hair and make-up and sharp talon nails. But whatevs - I guess she's not changing for no one, not even her "happiest moment of her life" date, Ben.

Jubilee jokingly points out to the girls that Ben is 20 minutes late and completes step one of putting the other women on edge. Step two is complete when, faced with a scary ride in a helicopter, she blurts out "Does anyone want to take my place on this date?" that sends each and every girl in the house into a tailspin, apoplectic that Jubilee could be so GD ungrateful.

She gets on the helicopter and her fears immediately melt away once Ben puts his hand on her leg. (I've heard that one before.) They fly to a "castle" where delicious food, a refreshing pool and a scintillating game of shuffleboard await them. But wait a minute, Jubilee doesn't think the food is so delicious, in fact, she can't even choke down a little caviar. She actually spits it out in a napkin. In front of Ben. Apparently Jubilee is a picky eater. She likes hot dogs and nothing else. 

Sidebar #1: There's nothing that bugs me more than a picky eater who can't choke down a piece of food in front of company/their date/a reality tv show audience, even if it's just to be polite/classy. 

Sidebar #2: I find it highly unusual that Jubilee is in the military and I believe served in Afghanistan, yet is not only afraid of heights, but afraid of other girls as well as most foods. You aren't afraid of the Taliban but a little caviar and mean girl conversation makes you hysterical? So not getting this girl.

Anyway this date gets weirder and weirder, especially after Jubes calls Ben a "white boy" and gets a laugh out of him. See, she thinks it's a great sign that he can laugh about that because all his other laughing is not authentic. And his laugh about the white boy joke was a real laugh, cus you know, she's the funny, complicated one in the group. Ben says "I'm not that white" then does a little "I've got a little [something something]" with a shrug of his shoulders to which she replies "that's what I've heard." Boo yah!! I'm officially embarrassed for the both of them. 

They take a swim in the pool and of course make out. Then at dinner he learns a bit more about her past and her family and it's all very sad. Ben calls her "complicated" and she explains that's why she doesn't make friends easily. Dun dun DUN! (That's foreshadowing. This story line has come full circle, you see?)

Rose Ceremony

Ben shows up to the party and lets the girls know he's received some bad news from home: two family friends from his community were killed in a plane crash and he's feeling pretty low. Most of the girls give the appropriate gasp and moment of silence, except of course Olivia who drops her "Can I grab you?" bit again and swoops Ben off for more alone time. 

Now, I am going to give Olivia the benefit of the doubt here that the first few things she said to him were to comfort him in his loss and to ask him how he was doing. I'm going to assume that she did not go straight into the spiel about how insecure she feels about her legs, and more specifically about her cankles and toes. I'm going to really, really hope that they totally took out of context the part where she started tearing up about how hard it is to put up with criticism. That's a lot of assumptions that I admit are pretty naive, especially when we hear Ben interview that he was put off by her line of conversation during a hard time for him. Could this be one of the first nails in Olivia's coffin?

Back inside we see Jubilee keeping her distance from the group. Her face is stony and her posture is hunched and she's grasping her rose like it's a can of "Stay away from me you bitches" pepper spray. She looks scared or indifferent or maybe a combo of both. The girls notice it too and wonder why she has become so aloof. Perhaps because they have all been giving her the side eye since she got the date rose and came back to the house? Hmm.

Not helping her case at all Jubilee concocts a plan with her producer to give Ben a massage to help him relax. They set out a full massage table by the pool.

This of course sends the girls into a tizzy. I think the first reactions are from Jojo and Becca who understandably feel awkward to have witnessed the private moment unexpectedly. The next strong reactions are from Amber and Jami, who both seem incredulous that Jubilee already has a rose and would be taking up Ben's time like that. Finally they can't stand it any longer and send in Jami to break it up and get Ben back. But it's hugely awko-taco and Ben takes his time - in front of Jami - to thank and hug Jubes for her services.

Back inside Mean Girl in residence Amber is plotting her attack. They need to confront Jubilee for her indiscretions. Apparently between the massage and the helicopter statement, enough is enough. Amber tries to get her to come inside to be attacked by a bunch of girls to which Jubilee smartly refuses. Amber practically chases her to an upstairs bathroom where Ben comes to her rescue. You see, Ben believes that he is "responsible for the feelings and emotions in the house" and has to make things right.

This is going to be a rough season for him if he really believes that. 

Anyway Amber has the balls to confront a bawling Jubilee in front of Ben. She's all "on Wednesdays we wear pink" and he hardily comes to Jubes' defense. Oh Amber you are so O-V-E-R. Enjoy that rose cus it's the last one you'll ever have.

Moving on, we say goodbye to Jamie and Shushanna. Oh and Lace smartly sends herself home too.

My front runners aren't going to change much since we didn't really get to see much from any of them. Lauren B seems like a good lock for first place with Becca/Jojo/Caila still in the hunt. Olivia becomes more of a crap shoot after annoying Ben (he made her wait for the LAST rose of the night) but I'm pretty sure she's still going to go far too. I think Jubilee intrigues Ben but I predict he'll get tired of her drama pretty quick. 

Until next week...