The Bachelorette 11, episode 5: enter Nick "the Villain" Viall

Kaitlyn does NYC (photo from Abc)

Kaitlyn does NYC (photo from Abc)

We start the show where we left off last week (tricky move, ABC): with Kaitlyn pulling Clint aside to confront him.

Some of the quotes thrown about right off the bat:

"...Clint is one of the biggest douches in Bachelorette history." -- Kaitlyn, giving an overview of what "13 out of 15 of the other guys" told her.
"We were having a failure to communicate and the communication factor is not an issue anymore." -- Says Clint right before Kaitlyn grabs him to give him the what for.
"He is going to go down in flames." -- Kaitlyn about Clint and his shady shadiness.

Essentially all the dudes ratted out Clint and JJ for being bad men and "not there for the right reasons." Kaitlyn - with almost no hesitation - takes the bull by the horns and gives Clint the boot. (What about JJ girl? Can't we get rid of him too??)

She can't get him out of the house in time to avoid one last confrontation though - and DUN DUN DUN - it's surprisingly of the JJ vs Clint variety. What happened to the bromance, brahs??

JJ sells Clint out by suggesting he apologize to everyone for bringing drama and bad feelings to Kaitlyn and wasting all of their time. Ouch. Clint, understandably, is homicidal at this grand betrayal and he and JJ have a stand off that ends with Clint calling JJ a bunch of dirty names that we weren't allowed to hear.

After Clint leaves, JJ starts tearing up in his interview. He moves into full on crying, which also involves talking to himself and slapping his own face.

This is turning into an episode of As the World Turns

The guys don't care one bit. They see this betrayal of Clint as another example of JJ's douche-i-tude. Guy code and all, brah.

Whatever, one more douche down, at least five more to go.

But wait, Kaitlyn is discombobulated and wants to forego her own suite.....wait, that's later...she actually wants to forego the rose ceremony for tonight.

There are no rules, people!

Charrison announces that it's come to that time (the time that last season's Bachelor got jipped of): the time to start traveling around the world. Yippee! First stop: the exotic locale of New York City.

NYC

Dudes get to the hotel in Times Square and try to pretend they aren't in the worst part of NYC. 

Photo from abc's twitter

Photo from abc's twitter

They get the first date card and it's for Ben Z, Justin, JJ, Shawn Gosling, Jonathan, Tanner, Corey and Ryan. Looks like we're having a rap battle my friends.

Kaitlyn, as you know, loves to rap. She introduces the dudes to Doug E. Fresh, which is an interesting choice considering none of these kids were born when Doug E. Fresh was big time. So they all do the "Dougie" instead and I'm guessing Doug E. Fresh is kicking himself for getting involved in this nonsense. 

Next the guys have to decide who they are going head to head against. The most interesting match up of course is the one involving JJ. Corey gets the honors for that. 

photo from celebdirtylaundry.com

photo from celebdirtylaundry.com

These raps are super lame and this date is a dud -- except for three gems: 1. Shawn Gosling shows his abs (humana humana). 2. Corey skewers JJ in probably the only legit "rap" of the day. 3. JJ offends everyone in the audience by mentioning NYC "'hoes." What a donkey.

During all this Kaitlyn sees Ashley I. in the audience from her season of The Bachelor. After the "rap" show, Kaitlyn runs out to talk to her and spies none other than Nick Viall from Andi's season of The Bachelorette. This is her reaction:

You see, Kaitlyn and Nick had been participating in a little internet flirtation after the Chris season of The Bachelor ended. Apparently he told her he thought she was A-one in his book or some other flattering business like that.

Kaitlyn and Nick meet in person for the first time (while presumably the other guys are up waiting for her at the cocktail party). Sparks fly. They have some one on one time and Nick insinuates he's there to see what happens and that he could stay...but it is up to her. This throws her for a loop and she hypothesizes that the other guys would be pissed (#understatement). She obviously wants Nick to come aboard, but doesn't want to look like a jerk. 

Fast forward to the cocktail party. Kaitlyn immediately tells the guys another hiccup has derailed a date: she doesn't want to disrespect them, but Nick is here and he wants to stay. The guys bristle right away (esp when hearing it's Nick), with Shawn Gosling captain of the "I hate this idea" team. Shawn, you see, thinks he's the front runner and doesn't see why K needs to add anyone else since it's such a foregone. Tanner is part of the "I hate Nick" peanut gallery, as is Jonathan.

Sidebar: Corey is wearing pink pants. Shawn finishes his beer in two gulps.

Kaitlyn takes a break from the guys to give Nick an update. She tells him they didn't take it so well. During this time K and Nick are already pressed against each other and then are making out. They obviously have some crazy chemistry. I wish we could just skip this whole part because we all know she's letting him come on the show. Get on with it!

Back at the house

The next date card shows up and it's for ........ Jared. He's "euphoric" and all the other guys are bummed. 

Back on the group date

After kissing and canoodling copiously, Kaitlyn tells Nick she needs to sleep on the decision and goes back to the guys who are on an actual date with her. 

Justin is the only voice of reason and his brown nosing earns him a date rose that Tanner calls the "least meaningful rose in history of the show." Heh.

The guys get back to the hotel and let the other contestants know what's going on. They are all shocked in different sorts of ways. Ben H Brady looks adorable as his head explodes (not literally, don't worry) and I'm reminded how dreamy he is. Josh seems like he wants to weld Nick down into a keychain.

Rant alert: 

Listen, I'm sure this is annoying for these guys. The game has completely changed. What they knew (or thought they knew) and had gotten used to is no longer.

As much as I feel bad for them, once they start turning it around on Kaitlyn I want to punch them in the balls. If they all don't know that ABC is controlling everything that happens on this show they are living in la-la land. Anything can happen (there are no rules!) and you aren't entitled to any sort of position or respect or territory just because you've been there longer. They've thrown this kind of shit at the contestants every season at the expense of people's feelings. That's what they do!

Get over it.

The next morning Kaitlyn calls Nick and tells him they need to talk - after she gets her date night hair done by none other than Ashley S. - the crazy girl from Chris' season of The Bachelor. First of all, she looks great and second of all, she talks some sense into Kaitlyn, telling her what she's feeling is lust and she shouldn't jeopardize what she has with the other guys for a little chemistry with a douche who slut shames girls.

Ashley's not so crazy after all! It's a Bachelor miracle!

K meets up with Nick and they stroll around New York. Kaitlyn most certainly does NOT have Suave quality date night hair, I might add. It's in a messy braid. Do they think we're stupid? They aren't even trying any more to keep this shit in order.

Photo from eonline.com

Photo from eonline.com

They make out a bunch - up against walls, in front of stores. I think Nick and Kaitlyn might be perfect for each other just based on their love for breaking all the rules. 

It's on!

One-on-one date

This recap is getting too long so let me summarize this date with Jared in the following bullets:

  • Kaitlyn is distracted, thinking about Nick;
  • Kaitlyn's dress is very strange and I don't like it;
  • I still don't care for Jared;
  • They get to fly in a helicopter over NYC.

That's it. That's all I've got.

Second group date

This one includes Ben H Brady, Josh, Ian, Kentucky Joe, Chris Cupcake. Oh but wait, before they go they get to hear that Nick is moving into the hotel with them. What a way to start a group date! Awwwkward.

The second date is on Broadway at the theater Aladdin is showing. They are going to Go through a real Broadway audition! They get to sing and dance!

This is where I actually feel sorry for the guys - they've been through enough - now they have to sing and dance in a musical? 

I hate musicals (Photo from usapost.org)

I hate musicals (Photo from usapost.org)

Turns out two dudes can sorta sing: Ian and Cupcake. Cupcake wins the spot with his intensity and all the others get sent home. He and Kaitlyn run off to get ready.

Turns out being on Broadway is a huge dream of Kaitlyn's - she is a dance instructor after all - so she is stoked. Chris is over the moon he gets to share this experience with her. Unfortunately, the date seems a little forced and I don't sense any chemistry. Anyway, their "big" role on Aladdin is actually just standing on the stage with the real actors with flowers, then they run off. All that awful singing and dancing for that?

Moving on...

Since there are only 4 minutes left in the show we realize we aren't getting a rose ceremony at ALL tonight. WTF? No rules AND no rose ceremonies? How do we get rid of JJ??

Last thing we see is Nick riding up in the hotel elevator veeeeeery slowly then knocking on the guys' door. And that's the end for tonight my friends. The suspense is killing me (no it's not).

Next week we get to see a new set of guys give Nick a hard time. Deja vu all over again.

 

P.S. No I don't want to talk about Britt and Brady.