We pick up right where we left off last week:
Kaitlyn is "confronted" by Ian for being, among other things, shallow, surface level and only interested in kissing guys on TV.
To say Kaitlyn is pissed is an understatement, and they both agree it's time for him to go. Ian leaves, without saying a word to anyone, slinks into the getaway car and continues to prove himself to be a giant turd…ranting and raving about having “depth” because he went to Princeton. He also tells us that he "really needs to have sex."
Good luck with that Ian. You just came off like a huge a-hole on national TV.
Kaitlyn sits in stunned silence by herself while the guys are waiting for her at the cocktail party. This season is wackadoo. There's a confrontation or drama at every turn. Kaitlyn is a lightening rod as far as provoking strong reactions in people, eh?
She isn't alone for long as we see a figure approaching. My assumption that it was Charrison coming to make our girl feel better was dead wrong. No, it's Nick.
Nick, you see, can smell a wounded lady like a bloodhound. He swoops in and comforts Kaitlyn with his “honesty” and “sense of humor” then moves closer and closer until they are practically wrapped around each other.
I'm having an epiphany: Nick is the male version of Britt.
Unfortunately, Kaitlyn is gone for so long that eventually someone else goes looking for her. And of course, that person is Shawn, the co-founder of the "I Hate Nick" club. He stumbles right on them making out. Ugh, what a gut punch. That's the last thing Shawn needed to see.
Eventually Nick peels himself off Kaitlyn, gives her one of his numerous friendship bracelets for her troubles (kidding) and heads back to the party. Kaitlyn joins them soon after and updates everyone on what just happened. They are all shocked yadda yadda yadda and note correctly that the dude should have just said "we don't have a connection, I gotta go" which is exactly what I said.
So basically, this cocktail party consisted of Kaitlyn getting reamed out by Ian, then mauled by Nick and now we are going straight to the rose ceremony. Hmm...this is becoming a pattern. If you boys thought you were getting your fair share of time to plead your case, you were very wrong. There are no rules!
Did I mention they're at the Alamo for the rose ceremony? Anyway, we say good bye to Josh (no surprise, now go fix your hair) and Justin. I am quite surprised she keeps JJ but he's a charming mofo so I guess she's still thinking he's a decent guy. Amy Schumer would be very disappointed.
Charrison comes in as the remaining guys are toasting themselves and lets them all know they are headed to Dublin, Ireland next. Nice pick ABC. Meanwhile Josh hears all the celebrating and feels shitty.
Guess you should have re-thought that “I hate Nick” campaign strategy, buddy.
The guys get to Ireland and check out their palace of a hotel owned and operated by Radisson. They are lounging around when SURPRISE – Kaitlyn’s there! Yeah! But she’s taking Nick on a one-on-one! Boo!
Kaitlyn and Nick skip off together and the entire date consists of them wrapping their bodies around one another like snakes and making out all over town. (I’m choosing to ignore their train wreck of an attempt at step dancing and the "heroic" way Nick saves her from pigeons.) [Note: they are day-drinking whiskey.]
They stop to look at jewelry and Nick buys both of them Claddagh rings. This is a ring you give to your promised one. It faces up until you get married then you flip it around. Kaitlyn doesn’t hesitate to put this on her wedding finger and I silently plead with her to take that thing off before she sees Shawn Gosling again. He can’t take any more.
Later they get to have a candlelit dinner in…a Catholic church. Hmm. These two are about to bump uglies right on the dinner table, right in front of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Is that the wisest move ABC? [Note: they are still drinking whiskey.]
So after some heavy canoodling and some throaty whispers, Kaitlyn invites Nick back to her suite. She does the jump and straddle and they head there post haste. First stop: the couch, where they engage in some not so subtle foreplay.
After necking for a while, Kaitlyn invites Nick into her room. He jumps up like a kangaroo and bounces in after her…happy as a pig in shit. They close the door to the cameras, but unfortunately either still have their mics on or ABC has bugged the room so we have to endure the whispers and naughty talk and moaning that follows. I could have done without that ABC. TMI.
Fast forward to THE NEXT DAY (shocked they let him sleep over) and Nick saunters back to the hotel, while Kaitlyn goes through the 3 phases of a post-coital high, then the 69 stages of guilt. I assume she’s on the porch talking to a producer or her assistant, because she asks the person how she would have felt if Chris had had sex with Britt last season. It’s all downhill for Kaitlyn once she makes the realization of how that would have made her feel. She ultimately lands in a panicked state, terrified that Nick will tell the guys everything that happened.
Back at the hotel, we don’t get the impression that anyone knows Nick got back at dawn (I find this very surprising considering they usually wait up to see if the dude's bag gets picked up by the ABC intern). Instead he plops down with the group and tells them about their date and goes so far as to tell them Kaitlyn (I almost said “Andi”) invited him to his suite for some personal time. I think he actually used the word “intimate” at one point. Shawn looks like he's about to turn into the Hulk and we all wait with baited breath to see if Nick is going to spill the sex beans. It doesn’t appear that he does, although he does tease them quite a bit.
Anyway, there’s no grass growing under us, we have another date to go on.
This one is Ben H Brady, Ben Z, Tanner, Shawn, Chris Cupcake and Jared. (This leaves JJ and Kentucky Joe for the dreaded 2-on-1 date.)
The boys head over to the Guinness warehouse/store in their best suits. There they find Kaitlyn laying in a casket with a flask of whiskey in her hands and Charrison standing over her. Charrison tells the fellas they are there to celebrate Kaitlyn’s life at an authentic Irish wake.
Everyone looks scared, until Kaitlyn starts giggling in her coffin and takes the edge off a bit. Because yes, my friends, this is friggin’ weird. So anyway the guys are told they have to essentially eulogize Kaitlyn as she listens on. They must be given some time to work up their presentations because they actually bring some laughs: Tanner recites a limerick; Jared tries the romantic approach; Shawn takes a dig at Nick (and gets toasted by all the guys); Ben H Brady talks about birds pecking her to death; Cupcake sings to the tune of “Oh Danny Boy.”
Then we get to Ben Z.
Ben Z., you see, lost his mother ten years ago, and funerals – even fake ones – make him justifiably somber. He doesn’t cry of course, he’s just real sad. When his turn comes he asks all the other guys to leave the room. And instead of having fun with it, he gives an actual eulogy. It’s a strange combo of sweet, dramatic and awkward. The two of them share a moment however and it’s probably not a bad thing Ben Z drew a little attention to himself, considering he probably hasn’t had 5 minutes of her time since their one-on-one date back in the L.A. house of horrors.
Next they get serenaded by a couple of real Irish blokes.
Later, at the cocktail party, Kaitlyn gets some QT with Jared – who apparently blows Kaitlyn away with his compliments and mange-y beard -- then Shawn – who shows K family pictures. Kaitlyn reassures Shawn that they are all good, but right when they regroup with the other guys, gives the date rose to Jared. D'oh!
That means Jared gets whisked away for a private concert (in another church) by the one and only Cranberries. Is it me or does Dolores O'Riordan look humiliated to be part of this?
This sends Shawn into a tailspin. He finds his producer/assistant and unloads on him. He says all the things we would expect a person in this situation to say: he’s had enough, he doesn’t want to subject himself to this any longer, he’s worried about getting to fantasy suite week and Kaitlyn banging three dudes. He had a connection with Kaitlyn and from the sounds of it, she told him he was a front runner and perhaps not to worry. So he's feeling played. Or he could just be a really jealous person. Or all of the above, because really, this whole situation is bananas.
So what is the most logical next step? For ABC to send him up to Kaitlyn’s room of course! We find her there with messy hair stuffing face.
Shawn is freaking out and she can tell right away. But what she assumes is wrong (i.e. he found out about Nick) isn’t necessarily the case, so we see her in her interviews bawling. Don’t ask me when they record these interview things, because I can’t figure it out. But she’s hysterical about making a mistake and it not making her a bad person etc, etc.
Below check out Nick's reaction; compared to Shawn's reaction; compared to Kaitlyn's reaction:
One of these things is not like the other.
And that’s all we get. So the teasers that all the guys were going to find out about her and Nick’s visit to bone town this week was a big fat lie. They show us some previews of next week that show a bunch of guys crying so I’m guessing someone drops it on them then, but who the hell knows.
All I know is that we have another cliff hanger, no 2-on-1 date and no rose ceremony.
See ya next week.