Another episode of The Bachelorette – another round of material for me to make fun of. That's #winning.
This week we had two group dates and a 1-on-1 date.
Scratch that – it actually looks like we had two 1-on-1 dates – as the self-banished Brady was squired to Britt’s room to tell her he wants to be her boyfriend. They appear to go on a week long date and then end up bf/gf. Just like in 7th grade! It's like a fairy tale really.
Group Date #1
Kaitlyn is overwhelmed by her new role but apparently jumps right into things on a pre-fab boxing date with Laila Ali and contestants Ben Z, Jared, Kupah, Justin, Daniel, Tanner, Ben Brady and Corey. I appreciate that we aren’t having anyone strip this season…but oops I spoke too soon: we get money shots of all of them in their skivvies as they are changing into their boxing costumes. This is gratuitous!
This date is an accident waiting to happen and yup, no shocker - the dudes wale on each other and one of them (Jared) ends up in the ER. Ben Z wins the championship…mostly because he’s the biggest of all the guys and appears to be a former football player. Yet his win doesn’t even earn him special time with the Bachelorette, which is kind of crap considering what he just went through. Perhaps ABC learned their lesson about giving the rest of the group the heave-ho on these group dates (see Soules, Chris, Season 19)?
What did we learn on this date – besides the fact that Kaitlyn is good at everything (especially wearing the shit out of whatever outfit she has on) and Ben Z is a beast?:
1. Jared (the “Love Man”) showed up big time. For a skinny guy he had some balls and some power. If he had gone up against anyone other than Ben Z he probably would have won. He hasn’t won me over, but definitely surprised me. I like 'em feisty. (He also got a kiss in.)
2. Ben Brady and Tanner are both super adorable. Neither has made many waves yet (not a bad thing) so we don’t know much about them.
3. Kupah is selfish.
4. Justin brings up his kid Aerillius again. That's all I know about him except for a scene where the guys are trying to trick him into thinking someone's at the door. That's some high level drama folks!
5. Ben Z opens up about his mom dying and we find out it was when he was 14. It’s very sad, and I feel bad ABC tells him he has to have a "story" to elicit sympathy from the Bachelor/Bachelorette and the audience. Anyway, Ben’s candidness earns him a group date rose from Kaitlyn. And he is pretty damn cute.
Next date is for Clint. Clint was the blonde guy who gave Kaitlyn the epic drawing of Charrison riding a triceratops. I like that she picked him for the date over Shawn Gosling. She’s giving other guys a chance before having sex with…er, I mean…focusing all her attention on Shawn as her fave. I dig it.
She picks up Clint in an old Mercedes and they talk about the triceratops drawing. He admits that that was his only real move and Kaitlyn tells him it’s the only one he needed. And I believe her - being a smart ass myself and all.
I gotta say – I am not usually attracted to blonde guys, but Clint is pretty cute. He’s soft spoken and gentleman-like and seems to have a good sense of humor (anyone who draws a pic of a Charrison-riding dinosaur has to be a silly billy). I’m on board…for now.
They end up at a villa with a pool and she tells him they are going to be doing an underwater photo shoot (date card clue: “You take my breath away”). This is a new one, for sure. Long story short they make out underwater and get some relatively neat photos. Then they surface and make out some more...in front of the photographer and her crew.
They have a dinner date and he seems to really impress her. She likes that she brings out the silliness in him and he brings out the romantic side in her. I think that’s a reach but I guess she has to say something. He gets the rose. They make out some more.
Back at the house
Tony the healer is complaining about the boxing date and saying some other ridiculous stuff that I don't have the energy to debrief. He is this season's Ashley S.
Group Date #2
The next date card is for JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris Cupcake, Ian, Kentucky Joe and Tony the Healer.
I think it says “I'm looking for a man who will stand up for me” or something like that so they all assume stand-up comedy. Look at the big brains on the boys!
JJ interviews that he's looking forward to seeing Tony make a fool of himself. Jeez, that's not very nice. What a douche.
Kaitlyn takes them to an Improv place where they find….Amy Schumer! I am a pretty big Amy Schumer fan so I am happy about this. She’s crude and dirty and pushes the envelope to the point where she makes people uncomfortable. Go girl!
Amy tells them she’s going to help coach them up to do some stand up with the help of her comedian friends. She asks each dude to tell a joke off the top of their heads and we get a chorus of some of the dumbest jokes I’ve ever heard. Let’s hope this is just because they censored out the good jokes.
The guys take turns meeting with the comedians to hone their jokes and come up with some kind of plan of how they are going to not embarrass themselves on stage. Chris Cupcake is actually pretty straightforward about how not funny he is, which I appreciate, but I still don’t “like” him because he rode into the show in a giant cupcake. I can't get over that.
Lucky Amy gets to sit down with JJ and hear about how he thinks he’s usually smarter than everyone in the room and how he’s going to kill this thing. What a douche. He doesn’t notice Amy eyeing the camera making gag faces. Her interview after was uniquely honest and forthright for this show so of course I love it in a giant way (see below). Go Amy.
So the guys each get up and do their “comedy.” No one stands out as being a laugh riot, but some of the guys are self-deprecating enough to make us and Kaitlyn laugh (e.g. Kentucky Joe, Joshua, Ian). Chris Cupcake ends up unbuttoning his shirt (smart distraction); Tony stands up there and unleashes a weird self-discovery stream of consciousness that relates in no way to comedy; and then JJ gets up and just makes fun of Tony. I want to kick JJ in the nuts.
At the cocktail party Kaitlyn gives everyone props for going outside their comfort zones and having fun with it.
Tony gets some 1-on-1 time and over-communicates and drops some more of his nonsense on Kaitlyn. We don't see her talk - or be asked a question - once.
Kaitlyn then gets time with JJ and I need to point out that he's wearing pink socks. What a douche. He tells Kaitlyn it's really hard to be there because of his daughter, then says "there's no where else I'd rather be." Which is it, you liar!? After that nonsense he plants a semi-awkward kiss on her and essentially earns himself the group date rose. Grody.
Why does this always happen??
Next up KY Joe gets some time which he promptly uses to make out with Kaitlyn against a wall. I realize that yup, she really has kissed almost everyone and it's only episode two.
And here we go.
The rose ceremony is hijacked by two strains of drama:
- JJ: Immediately after all the guys collectively decide (rather diplomatically) that they will let the guys who didn’t get time with Kaitlyn talk to her first at the rose ceremony, JJ breaks the guy code and takes her out of the room as soon as she gets there for 1-on-1 time. Not cool, brah. "Was that a power move or a dick move?" asks Kentucky Joe.
- Kupah: He hasn’t had any time with Kaitlyn (he was too focused on honing his boxing skills on the group date) but decides this is the time to dump on HER for not giving HIM enough time. Oh boy. And P.S. it’s because he’s the token black guy on the show (or so he tells Kaitlyn). Oh boy.
Sidebar: Jonathan is dressed like Crockett and/or Tubbs from Miami Vice.
Kaitlyn has what she calls another “good” conversation with JJ and seems to really like him. Darn it. He gets back and all the guys skewer him and they get a really snarky “sorry I’m not sorry” response from him. Each guy gives him a piece of his mind. He really does deserve a slap in the face, amirite?
He then says this and I think we can all agree it's really creepy:
Next Kaitlyn has her time with Kupah. He comes at her on the offensive and you can tell she’s all set with him right away. He accuses her of blowing him off/ignoring him and insinuates he's only there to fill a quota.
Now, I can see how black men or women coming on this show feel weird because they never go very far, but Kaitlyn has given no indication that she wouldn’t give anyone a chance. She tells him as much, while also reminding him that he ignored her throughout the entire group date.
This OF COURSE puts Kupah on the defensive and we go downhill from there. Kaitlyn tells him she felt a connection with him the first night but that she needs to rethink things and make sure they are still on the same page. So what does he do? He goes outside to – very loudly – tell all the guys about their conversation.
Kaitlyn overhears all of it and she is PISSED. She marches her ass out there and pulls him aside to tell him she’s going to have to let him go. And he refuses. Refuses! He actually tells her it's "fucked." What about our mutual love of music and movie quotes, Kaitlyn? What about the fact that I think you're hot? What about prom??
This whole exchange makes my hackles go up because he’s behaving so aggressively. It reminds me of a girlfriend trying to calm down an abusive boyfriend. Shiver.
Finally she gets him out the door, goes into the interview room to debrief with producers then hears him shouting and bouncing around outside and having a scuffle with a producer. He’s ranting and raving like a lunatic. She gets up and storms out the door and......to be continued.
Seriously? Two weeks in a row? Stop doing this to us ABC!
We end with Brady and Britt sharing an ice cream cone calling each other "Schmoopy."
Owell, see you next week.
Front runners this week:
Clint, Ben Z, JJ (ugh), Ian
The cutest, but still pretty vanilla:
Ben Brady, Tanner, Chris
The wing nuts:
JJ, Tony the healer, Kupah, Corey
Have no clue about them at all:
Cory, Ryan, Daniel
That low cut black jumpsuit was frickin' awesome.
Kupah's mismatch three-piece suit with hanging suspenders.
P.S. here's a fun Amy Schumer video: