The Bachelor, episode 5: things are getting weird(er)

Hi friends! Please forgive the tardiness of this post. My day job is taking too much of my attention lately.

It's probably rhetorical at this point, but this was another week of crazy dates and crazy ladies. We start off with Chris twirling around in a sea of hot air balloons and we find out he's in Santa Fe, NM: the "perfect place to fall in love." Well, OK. If you say so.

Back in L.A. Charrison tells the girls there will be three dates this week, two one-on-ones and one group date, and that they are headed Santa Fe. They all seem pretty excited, including, once again, Megan, who is stoked for a "new adventure." She thinks that NM is "like a beach resort place" and is worried about culture shock: "...the hats, the 'breros that everyone wears in Mexico, I don't know if they wear those in New Mexico." Then the cherry on the sundae: "I'm so excited - I've never been out of the country."

This would be a good place to insert a "bless her heart" if I was inclined to say such a thing.

Chris interviews that he is excited to take these relationships to the "next level." From your lips to God's ears my friend.

First date card

The first one-on-one date card shows up at the girls' hotel and it's for Carly. It reads: "Let's come together. -- Chris"

This is my first reaction:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1agaZinJHg&w=560&h=315] Chris meets Carly at a huge Southwestern-style mansion in an unfortunate red, brick colored henley sweater that looks like it's made out of velour. Dislike! Carly looks cute though.

They go through the mansion, out to the back patio, where they find a be-scarved lady meditating on some pillows. Carly is disappointed. She doesn't seem to like being calm or getting in touch with her spirit (I can relate).

Chris calls the meditator a "love guru" and I immediately think of a bad Mike Myers flick. Anyway, he claims he needs the guru to bring bring him and Carly closer together. Jesus, that sounds bad for Carly, doesn't it? He needs this quack to give him a reason to keep her?

They put on white smock tops reminiscent of the Guilty Remnant from "The Leftovers" and the guru waves burning sage all over them. Carly has jazzed her smock up with a sexy bikini top.

Chris is concerned by how weird this is going to get. Um, it was weird to agree to this right from the beginning, Chris, no? They breath and moan and chant a bunch. Chris says he felt nothing, in particular in his lips.

At one point, Carly gets to blindfold Chris. She's psyched at first, but then finds out she only gets to use her touch and her breath to communicate with him - over his whole body. Unfortunately, Carly reveals that she's "terrified" of physical intimacy (Chris' preferred love language I might remind you) and looks like she's going to cry.

I get it girl. Doing something like that on camera must be beyond uncomfortable. Reality shows are soooo exposing, aren't they??

She proceeds to smear chocolate and strawberries on his face.

Next thing we know Chris is giving it to Carly from behind, er I mean, standing behind her and rubbing her hips and thighs. This is some first date! Chris realizes - this isn't a love guru, this is a SEX guru! Oh dear. No sooner than he figures that out the woman tells them they need to shed their masks, i.e. clothes. Dun dun DUN!

They pull off each other's tops and look like they want to run away. Eventually they agree to tell the sex guru this is their first date and they aren't ready to shed their pants (prudes!). So they are told to shed their "emotional masks" instead and tell each other something they fear. Chris says he has fear of letting himself fully fall in love and making a commitment. Carly shares she's afraid she's not worthy of love, to which Chris whispers "you are worthy" which was very sweet.

Then Carly has to straddle Chris and touch him and breathe on his face without kissing. Yes, that's right: breathe on his face. All I can think is that I hope they have breath strips on hand. Then the guru gives them permission to touch lips and they just go for it and start making out. Good god, finally.

Did anyone else feel super uncomfortable watching this date? I want to erase the memory of it from my brain.

Back at the hotel

We find Kelsey opening up to the girls about being a widow. Ashley I. (the best person to throw stones at other people's houses) thinks K's too nonchalant about her story and thinks it's odd she didn't tell anyone about this for five weeks. I agree with the nonchalant comment but as far as keeping private things private, Miss V Card could learn a thing or two about keeping her shit to herself. But anyway yes, Kelsey is completely void of emotion when telling the story ("...and darling, that is life" she ends it all with. Gross.). She interviews that she MUST HAVE a one-on-one date with Chris so she can share her sad story with him. Poor Chris doesn't know what's in store for him - yet again.

The next date card shows up. It's for Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley, Kelsey. The card says "I'm rapidly falling in love." My Jedi powers of deduction tell me this is going to be white water rafting.

So this also means, by process of elimination, that Britt gets the second one-on-one date. Kelsey pouts. I do a little "ha-ha!" in my head. (OK, so maybe I said it out loud.)

Back on the date

Carly and Chris hang out in a big comfy living room with bear skin rugs and a fireplace. Just kidding. No bears were hurt in creating this scene. Carly opens up about her last relationship and Chris shares why he is scared of falling in love and bringing someone hostage to Iowa. Carly tells him he shouldn't worry because if two people are in love they find joy in wherever they are. He tells her back (again) that she's definitely worthy of love and that she's not only beautiful but she's talented, smart and cool.

This part of the date is almost making me cry.

But then they start making out a bunch and I snap out of it.

Group Date: Rafting for love

The girls show up for their date all wearing leggings and sneaks. Leggings are TMI in my book and I feel like I'm looking at 9 va-jayjays at once. Ick.

The girls confirm they are going white water rafting! I'm going to fast forward through this date because it was pretty boring: Megan is stoked (again); they hit the water; there's a bunch of screaming; Jade falls out of the boat; Chris rubs her feet; everyone is jealous. Let's get to the important part: the cocktail party.

Chris shows up in a hot camel colored leather jacket. Mmmmm...yes. I forget all about the red velour sweater.

OK I digress. Next thing we know, Jordan is there. She was the drunk-y monkey eliminated in week 2 but she drove 6 hours from Colorado to ask for a second chance. No, Chris NO!

They go to a private (well, relatively speaking) area to have a chat. They talk about her drinking. She asks for a second chance.

Apparently he's giving her one (No, Chris, NO!) because next thing we know, he's walking her over to the over girls on the couches. The girls are all stunned. Most notably Ashley I. who at this point doesn't like anyone, let alone a re-do bitch.

Chris and Ashley get one on one time and the first thing she says to him is that Jordan isn't wife material. In fact, she's "fundamentally different" than her. Is she shaming people again? I find that every time she speaks I want to reach through my TV and slap her. And holy shit what is she wearing!? Is that a figure skating costume?? It barely covers her ass!

The other girls shame Jordan a bunch to her face for coming back and disrespecting "the process." Meanwhile, Chris gets an earful from each of the girls as he meets with them. Told ya Chris, you're just asking for trouble bringing a new girl into the mix. I tried to tell when you took Kimberly back, but you didn't listen!

Ashley tells the girls they shouldn't be nice to Jordan which turns into a war of words between her and Whitney. Whitney thinks A is being an A-hole and that Chris would not be cool with having a girl there who was blatantly mean.

Anyway Chris comes to his senses after hearing shit from just about every girl and finally tells Jordan she's gotta go. I think in hindsight she will realize this was the best possible outcome.

And guess what? Sweet, kind, drama-free Whitney gets the rose. Suck it, mean girls!

One-on-one date

Carly and Britt are discussing Britt's one-on-one with Chris and we hear again - this time from Carly - that Britt does not shower. Excuse me? Does she mean Britt doesn't wash her hair? I'm cool with dirty hair.

Nope, seems to me Carly is telling us Britt does not shower. And hasn't. In weeks. Eek.

So anyway, the date card for Britt finally shows up and it says "Sky's the limit." She immediately starts crying because she says - as so many have before her - that she has a fear of heights. And its not a dislike, kids, its a legit fear. I call bullshit, but what do I know.

Chris interviews he's super excited to go on his date with Britt. But they have to get up super early, so he sneaks into the girls' room at 430 am to get her up. He wakes her up and she seems legitimately surprised, however she's also sleeping with a full face of make-up. Chris interviews that she looks as beautiful in the morning as she does at a rose ceremony.I hate to tell you Chris, it's because she puts her make-up on before she goes to bed, which tattle-tale Carly tells us tonight. To be honest it looks like she sleeps with lipstick on too. If she's so interested in looking perfect 24/7 why doesn't she shower?

I think all signs point to: Britt is a phony.

The Bachelor Britt and Chris Us ma

Chris and Britt get to the area with the hot air balloons and apparently she's fine now! Because Chris is there! Squeezing her hand!

So I would like to point out, just for the record, this in fact means that Britt has a "dislike" of heights and not an actual "fear," like she said earlier.

They climb in the balloon basket. Now she's not only not scared, but she's over the moon about going up in this thing. Chris has completely eradicated her fear/dislike of heights. It's a Bachelor miracle!

Sidebar: it really is beautiful out there in New Mexico, huh? It makes me actually very appreciative of ABC for exploring a bit more of the U.S. instead of going overseas immediately. We have plenty of beautiful and romantic spots right here in our own country. USA! USA!

Back at the hotel, it's a Britt bitch sesh. The girls make jokes about the lack of showering. Ashley tells us Britt told her she loves being single and isn't in any rush to get married or have kids. What?! She isn't there "for the right reasons?!" Ding ding ding! Everyone do a shot!

Meanwhile...

Chris takes Britt to his hotel room; more specifically, right into his bedroom, where she tells him she wants a hundred kids. Um, that's not what Ashley Eyelashes said!  Chris rewards her love of procreation with the date rose. They slip under the covers. The doors to his room close.........and we go to commercial.

Next thing we know Britt is returning from her date. She tells the girls she was in Chris' hotel room with him, they ordered room service, and "took a nap." They all shoot looks at her and you can practically see the lasers burning holes through Britt's face plaster.

Kelsey in particular is annoyed with the whole thing and is pretty sure Britt and Chris didn't just "nap." Did anyone have any doubt that the next item on her agenda was to find Chris so she could share her widow story with him and guilt him into keeping her around? Yup, there she goes.

So she regales Chris with the whole story of meeting her husband right up through his death. We see a bunch of tears but then witness her telling producers, with a big, creepy smile on her face, "Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's AH-mazing. I love my story!"

Seriously?

Kelsey then uses this opportunity to plant her first kiss on Chris. There's nothing that spells romance like a story about your dead husband, amirite?

Rose Ceremony

All the girls are nervous and on edge. Ashley whines that she, Becca, Sam (who?) and Kelsey are in the same boat because none of them got any one-on-one time with Chris this week. But wait -- Kelsey declares: "I feel comfortable." Everyone's heads whip around to glare at Kelsey like they're possessed by demons. Whitney interviews that "something's not adding up" for Kelsey to act this confident.

Chris finally appears and barely gets through his speech when he shares that he spent some emotional time with Kelsey and she told him her story. He breaks up and walks out. Don't fear though, Charrison comes out of the shadows to comfort him. "This is harder than I thought" says Chris. "It always is" replies Charrison. (This is why Charrison gets the big bucks.)

The girls are understandably confused. Finally Kelsey tells them what's what. I transcribed this part word for word because it was so f*cking bizarre:

Britt: "When you guys talked did he seem like really emotional?" Kelsey: "Not like this. I told Chris today that I was married to Sanderson and he died. And I told him everything." [Carly (the voice of reason lately): "This is an interesting night. All of a sudden the cocktail party started revolving around Kelsey. Because Kelsey was probably going home tonight and she went to Chris' room and she told a story and now someone else is going home. And she did that. And she did that on purpose."] Kelsey (to the girls): "It was getting to the point where not telling him was weighing me down. It seemed to go very well. I had the intentions of telling you as the cocktail party ensued because I didn't want to keep that from you. I didn't want you to be jealous of the time. I wanted to protect you guys from that awkward situation and I had to honor my story and honor Sanderson and it just had to be in a place where it could be uninterrupted." Me: "BULLSHIT!!" Kelsey: "This is clearly very difficult for him. He knows what he needs to do. And I don't know what the delay is. He already has his decision made up. One of the things we touched on was just time. [Cue tears] That every day is a gift and our time is precious and we should never take it for granted. This is a man who respects you all and me so much he's not going to waste our time and this is the first time in awhile I've seen him act on the heart and it means I have to say goodbye to people. And I'm not going - I don't know if I'm going - but saying goodbye is hard." [Becca (another voice of reason): "Its starting to become apparent that there's something going on with Kelsey."] Britt: "Your pumps still look great!" Kelsey: "Thank you. I know, right?" Me: "You are a sociopath!!"

So they are still waiting for Chris and they are all getting more and more nervous, including, ironically Miss Kelsey the comfortable sociopath. Charrison comes in to tell the girls Chris is really emotional but he knows what he's going to do so he doesn't need a cocktail party. They need to get their butts to the rose ceremony.

Ashley: [whine, cry, whine, cry] Kelsey: "I don't want to go to the rose ceremony." "I'm really nervous about going home." "I was so assured...two hours ago." Carly: "I just don't understand this girl at all." Me: "Heehee"

Next thing we know Kelsey gets up and walks off and whaddoyaknow, we hear her wailing and see her laying on the floor in a pile. The medic attending to her is asking her if she's hurt or in pain. She's not (shocker), but she sobs she's "having a panic attack." It's sooooooooo dramatic and manipulative I want to kick her in the baby maker.

Then we find out it's "too be continued." Dammit!

OK so my favorites at this point in the game: definitely Whitney, Becca and Kaitlyn with Carly sneaking in as a dark horse. Still on the fence about Jade. The rest are crazy and must go away.

To be continued!