The Bachelor, episode 4: bimbos and princesses and virgins - oh my!

Another episode, another round of tears, bikinis and censor strips.

I had to give this one a second watch to pull together my thoughts. Upon second viewing I noticed how misleading the editing for the "Tonight on The Bachelor" scenes were. They really f&ck with us, don't they? It's not nice.

Once again, I'm feeling pretty disappointed in how this season is going - from the strange mix of girls to the low budget dates to the "clever" editing to the offensive situations they continue to put these women in (and all the booze they can drink, apparently).

And what's with all the obstacle courses? What is this - Survivor for Bachelorettes? I'm very confused.

[Sidebar: If you want a really great take on each episode from someone who's been through it, check out Sharleen Joynt's blog "All the Pretty Pandas." (Sharleen got the "first impression rose" on Juan Pablo's season; and was the first women to send herself home mid-season.) Although she recognizes the craziness of The Bachelor, she enjoys watching and adds really great insight on what happens on screen and what we don't see off screen with the production of the show. Now, I'm not telling you this so you can read HER blog instead of mine, I'm just hoping it means you'll read both. ♥ ]

Anyway, the show opens with Charrison greeting the girls in the mansion. It's good to see him again! I feel like we aren't getting to see much of him lately. Anyway, he tells them there will be two group dates this week and the one on one date will be decided by Chris' three sisters. Yay! I hope they make the contestants play "Ghost in the Graveyard" to see who makes it out alive.

First Group Date

The girls going on the first date are:

Kelsey Kaitlyn Ashley I. Crazy Eyes Megan Mackenzie Samantha (who?) Juelia

The card reads "Let's Do What Feels Natural" - which leads many girls to think they will need to go without make-up. So what do they all do? Slap on loads of make-up. Ashley takes extra time to have Mackenzie snap her weave in. I shit you not.

They jump in a couple vintage cars and drive to...a lake. Hmm. It looks pretty but I wouldn't want to swim in it, which is exactly the plan. Ashley steps out of the car wearing a bra cover and unbuttoned cut off jorts. Have we traveled back to 1992?  This girl man, I don't know what to do with her.

Kelsey is all set with this date right from the get-go and is fed up with the girls in general, for that matter. They all strip down to their bikinis and run into the water, jump off a dock, and lay around in some floats. This is might be the most low budget date in the history of this show. Well, besides the visit to Costco and the hoe-down farm relay from last week.

Ashley interviews she needs to show Chris she's fun so she decides taking off her top and jumping in the water is the way to go. Kaitlyn follows "suit" by stripping off her bottoms. Kelsey interviews that the date is made for "bimbos" (I can't disagree K; keeping one's clothes on is not overrated) and says she's ready to call it quits.

Back at the house

Chris' three sisters arrive to meet and interview each of the girls left in the house to see who gets the one on one date. I love that Chris has sisters. I think a guy with sisters has an extra level of respect for women. And this family seems so close, I think it's definitely a check in Chris' "pro" column.

Note: Does anyone find it strange that the sisters don't get a crack at ALL the girls in the house? They only get to talk to these six who didn't go on the group date? Does that mean something??

Anyway they have to rouse Jillian, who is passed out cold by the pool, ass (censor stripped) in the air. Then they interview:

Britt: who tells them she considers herself the front runner Becca: who tells them when you meet someone you love you'll follow them anywhere (even Iowa) Whitney: who looks like she could BE one of the sisters. Perhaps this is why Chris has an affinity for her? Jillian: who knows she needs to make a move, but is not sure it's to Iowa Samantha (or is it Nicki? I can't keep them straight): who says lives in the city but is a small town girl at heart Carly: who admits she's never been with a man who has treated her nicely. This is sad, especially when she interviews after that all she wants Chris to be like her grandpa And Jade: who knocks it out of the park by not only telling them she's from Nebraska and makes organic make-up, but says relationships are all about compromise and balance and all that good stuff. She comes off very sweet and genuine. You can tell she's going to be the pick for the date.

Meanwhile, back at the lake

The girls and Chris are playing Red Rover. I'm not joking. Kelsey continues to bitch about this "hell hole" date and then gets rewarded for her complaining with a bee sting right near her hey-nanny-nanny.

During the obligatory group date toast, Chris announces that he loves being with them "in their bathing suits" (ew) and that they aren't going home, they are going camping.

Some girls are quite excited: for instance Megan, who honestly seems to get excited about anything, and Kaitlyn, who interviews that she's "in her element." Some girls - not so excited, like you guessed it, Ashley Eyelashes, who is miserable in the out of doors.

They all proceed to put their tents up in their bikinis so I get a lot of butts and boobs in my face as Chris erects his tent (hee!) fully clothed. No fair. Eyelashes brings up her virginity again (not for the last time I'm afraid) by stating "I'm a virgin camper and also a virgin camping." My eyes almost get stuck I roll them so far up into my head.

Chris spends one on one time with Kaitlyn, who tells him that up to this point they've just had a lot of fun, but she wants to know how he knows if someone cares for him (note: I learn from my therapist friend, and loyal Bachelor sidekick, Kerri, that what Kaitlyn is referencing here is the "5 Love Languages"). He says that as he's gotten older he's realized that he's a very "touchy feely" kind of guy and that is how he likes to show and receive love. Kaitlyn says she prefers words of affirmation. This info about Chris actually says a lot about how he has behaved thus far on the show. He's definitely been very touchy with some girls, most notably Kaitlyn, Whitney and Britt. Perhaps this is his tell. Hmm...

Anyway, I think this was a great question by Kaitlyn and I'm glad that within all this craziness I actually learned something tonight (I personally prefer "acts of service" as my love language). Chris interviews that he can see himself with Kaitlyn.

I do need to point out though that Kaitlyn is not wearing pants.

Back to Kelsey; she's still grouchy and it's bugging all the girls, especially when Chris comes around and she starts giggling like a fool. The terms "two-faced" and "here for the wrong reasons" get thrown out there. There has to be one in every batch, right?

Everyone's sitting around the campfire getting hopped up on tequila and whiskey (smart) and giggling and acting silly. Crazy Eyes sings crazy eyed camp songs and Mackenzie's talking about aliens again. Then Chris jumps out from some bushes with a mask and an ax and scares the shit out of everyone. He announces (mask still affixed to his face) that he's a "scary motherf&cker" - which I take to mean he is drunk...to quite drunk.

ABC tells us that Chris then spends alone time with Crazy Eyes (I don't even pretend to think they show any of this in the actual order it happened) and as expected she talks a bunch of gibberish, then out of nowhere plants a kiss on him while he's mid-sentence. His reaction to all this is actually pretty funny. Hey, you kept her around Mr. Farmer! No one to blame but yourself ABC.

Back to Eyelashes, because we haven't seen enough of her already. She applies some white lipstick (so she's into red lipstick for pool parties and lake outings and white lipstick for camping) and uses her one-on-one time with Chris to maul him again with her aggressive kissing.

Right after this, Chris gives the rose to Kaitlyn, which unfortunately means even more drama is ahead from Ashley. She tells us that it's now essential that she tell Chris that she's a virgin and has never had a boyfriend. Um, why?!?

So she sneaks into his tent and wakes him up to tell him she's "inexperienced" in every way possible. Chris is half asleep and interviews that he has no idea what's she's trying to tell him. She mauls his face a bunch anyway (to prove how chaste she is?) then heads back to her own tent (presumably). She interviews that she's pretty sure "Chris got it" and that if not, he can "probe that area" later if he wants to. Yee haw.

Back at the house

The sisters leave and the date card shows up. It's covered in gold. Ooooh. Aaaah.

Long story short: Jade gets the win and she's going to a ball. Because tonight is all about princesses! And Disney's (read: ABC's) new Cinderella movie! The girls all seem quite jealous of this date. I throw up a little in my mouth.

Ashley whines some more. This time it's because she's the real princess, dammit. Yes you are, girlfriend, and trust me, that is NOT a good thing.

Jade gets dressed with the help of a pink haired fairy godmother. She finds out she will get to keep a pair of diamond earrings (courtesy of Neil Lane, of course) and Louboutin glass heels and Ashley's head spins around.

Jade looks beautiful. The dress has grown on me on a second watch. I love the flowy material, not sure about the pattern or the gathered bits around the hips, but she looks lovely. A white car whisks her off to the ball where she surprises Mr. Chris by looking so beautiful. They have a very romantic and actually quite normal date getting to know each other. They both admit to being engaged before.

Chris gives her the date rose and they hug and she doesn't try to maul him or swallow his face or anything. Classy! Chris has a pretty big smile on his face (and it's such a beautiful smile, isn't it? Those dimples!). You can tell he likes this girl.

He leads her upstairs and they dance to a full orchestra. I know Chris practiced (they subjected us to it earlier) but he still looks a little awkward. I prefer "The Shopping Cart" for him. It's more natural.

Anyway, he twirls her around a bunch and its very sweet and lovely and then he dips her and kisses her. It's actually quite romantic, and civilized and not as cheesy as I expected. Until, of course, they make Jade and Chris go through the bullshit of getting her out of there by midnight like she's going to turn into a squash. They actually make her run down the stairs and out the door in her beautiful new stilettos. CAREFUL!

The second group date

Next date is for Becca, Britt, Whitney, Carly, Jillian and Nicki. The card says "Let's Get Dirty" and surprise! they have to put on wedding gowns!! How humiliating (and lame). They fly to San Fran to find out they have to compete against each other (again) - this time through a big muddy obstacle course in their gowns to benefit the MS Society (good choice ABC!) - it's called "MuckFest." Yuck.

Note: Does Whitney look awesome in everything she puts on or what? Jeesh. She always looks good, even when she's covered in mud.

Jillian is hysterically pissed to be in a dress but knows this is her opportunity to kick some ass and she essentially does -- lapping every one of the girls after the first obstacle. Chris actually keeps track of who is falling behind and sweetly walks and holds hands with Becca along the way. She interviews that she got some great one on one time with him during the date and I am glad for that.

OK funniest Carly quote of the night #1: she interviews that Jillian should be wearing a tux because "she's a f&ckin' dude." Ha!

Anyway, Jillian wins and gets carried away by Chris as the other girls hose off in the driveway. These girls all seem to have great attitudes about this mess of a date. No Kelsey-type bitching seems to be going on here (at least that they are showing us).

One on one date with Jillian

This goes as expected: Jillian talks non-stop, at a mile a minute. Chris gets lost because his Iowan pace can't keep up with her stream of consciousness that may or may not be fueled by something other than Gatorade and endorphins. He picks up the rose and stumbles through his kiss-off speech. He really needs to firm that up. Short and sweet and direct is best.

Jillian is remorseful that she didn't show him her "heart" sooner. Chris interviews about how this went down and we actually hear more from him here than we have in the first three episodes combined. He goes on about wanting to find his wife and his worry about being 33 and single (try 41 pal) and that if this process doesn't work he'll be alone forever.

Don't you worry sweet Chris, you are hot and those chicks are batshit anyway. You'll be fine.

Finally, the Rose Ceremony

Fortunately this week is a cocktail party so we don't see any more bikinis, but unfortunately we are subjected to more Ashley I. drama. But before that we get a little Megan, who whips a tie out of her cleavage and blindfolds Chris to have him guess the most obvious tasting foods on the planet. I am again reminded that Megan is a little "off" and also realize that perhaps she is also quite drunk.

Then we get to Ashley again. She complains to Mackenzie and Nicki about her V-card angst before approaching Chris directly. He admits he has no idea what the heck she was trying to tell him on the camping trip so she finally blurts out "I'm a virgin!" The look on his face -- the big smirk and the sideways glance -- is priceless. He is very nice about it all but of course she continues to obsess about it to all the girls, crying and ruining her lovely eyelashes.

Note: You know you've got a wackadoo on your hands if the likes of Mackenzie is saying Ashley blows everything out of proportion.

Ashley even goes so far as to interview that perhaps if Chris wants to be with someone more "promiscuous" or "outlandish" then that's his prerogative but that's not her. Um, is she slut shaming all the non-virgins in the house? That's not cool.

Anyway, she finally "comes out" and shares to all the girls (why?) that she's a virgin. Carly for one is shocked to hear this news...

Funniest quote of the night from Carly #2: She's seen Ashley make out with Chris "like 13,000 times." "Her mouth is NOT a virgin!"

I totally agree.

At some point in the conversation Becca shares that she too is a virgin and explains in a very quiet and mature way that "it was just a decision I made." Eyelashes high fives her like they just scored a goal for the V team and Kaitlyn's eye's couldn't get any bigger with surprise.

Next up is Britt and this is the doozy of the night.

We see her talking to Jade and stressing about how Chris is making "other girls" (i.e. Kaitlyn) "feel special" and she doesn't like it. She then gets a sit down with Chris and lays this all on him. She tells him it's "disconcerting" what she heard from the camping trip about him giving Kaitlyn a rose after she "took her clothes off." She wants to know why he's validating "those kinds of behavior." She also mentions that "several girls" considered going home after that date. (Is this even true?? I'm sure she's just referring to Kelsey.)

This understandably rocks Chris a bit. He looks stunned/pissed and I don't really blame him. He immediately gets upset that she - and others - are questioning his integrity behind his back. Then Britt makes it worse by asking specifically about Kaitlyn. Oh Britt, you fool, don't you know better than that? That tactic never works. Chris starts to defend Kaitlyn and then justifiably stops and realizes he shouldn't have to. He's obviously pissed Britt put him in this position. I love me some angry Chris.

He says he appreciates her honesty and abruptly gets up and walks off. Before the rose ceremony he gives a lecture to all the girls that if they don't think he's there to find his wife, they can go home. Lay the smack down Chris baby! Woot woot!

Roses go to:

Jade Kaitlyn Whitney Carly Becca Samantha (who?) Kelsey Mackenzie Megan Ashley Eyelashes Britt

Leaving us are Nicki (who?), Juelia, Crazy Eyes and Jillian.

Chris walks Juelia out and says respectful things to her. Crazy Eyes talks some more crazy on her way out. Did you expect anything less?

The scenes from next week look pretty sexed up.

'til then...