The Bachelor, episode 3: Chris gets a little help from Jimmy Kimmel
We begin with a shot of Jimmy waking up a sleeping Chris and bringing him coffee. Chris opens his eyes, recognizes Jimmy, points at him and cusses. Adorable.
Jimmy next surprises the girls in the common room of the mansion. He calls them all sister wives and tells them he is helping Chris out by "making love with" each of them. (I wonder if any of them took him seriously.) He also announces that he brought a “swear jar” but the bad word is the overused “amazing.” Say "amazing" and donate a dollar, ladies! Unfortunately for us, this doesn’t curb the use of the word at all (DRINK!!).
Jimmy drops off the first date card, makes them all laugh some more and disappears. First date is with…..Kaitlyn! She's "super excited!"
Date one: Kaitlyn
In the limo, Chris already has his hands all over Kaitlyn – they're holding hands and he's touching her thigh like they’ve known each other for way more than 4 days. She’s wearing a crop top under a plaid flannel top and her signature bright red/pink lipstick. I find the crop top obnoxious, but perhaps that is because I cannot wear one myself.
Their limo drops them at...Costco. Hummm...
They read a letter from Jimmy. They have to pick up stuff for dinner using his Costco card. He has a list of demands, which include picking up enough ketchup to fill a hot tub (sadly, this never comes to fruition). While in the Costco they have some fun by rolling around in a big inflatable ball which just happens to be in the aisle. Does Costco really have these?? I wanna go! They get in the ball together and some kids roll them down the aisle. Then they make out (of course).
Back at the house, they start fixin’ dinner and Kaitlyn interviews it’s like a real couple bonding experience. He's marinating meat and she's drinking booze (sounds good to me). Then they are chatting on the couch and he has pink lipstick all over his face. Then he doesn’t. Then he does again. Must be hard to piece together an edit with all this kissing. The chatting is pretty basic and sporadic; they make fun of each other's laughs. I find this whole exchange a smidge awkward. Like you can tell he thinks Kaitlyn is super funny but he's intimidated by her nonetheless because she's so aggressive. I don't know - I'm just spitballin' here.
Jimmy shows up and quizzes Kaitlyn about whether Chris should have sex with all three girls during fantasy suite week. We find out she's cool with it and doesn't think should Chris buy the car without test driving it. She says all the right things, eh?? Jimmy tells Chris he should have sex with everyone on the show (spoiler alert?). I love that at one point he interviews that he considers himself the “lubricant” between the two of them. Hee.
Kaitlyn gets a rose blah blah blah...then Chris and Kaitlyn change -- he into his trunks, she into a black leatherette bikini -- and hop into the hot tub. They start necking and we pan over to find that Jimmy is also in the tub….eating wings. Yum!
Meanwhile, back at the house….
The next date card shows up and this time it’s for 12 girls and I apologize but I just don’t have the patience to list them all. The date card says "Are you ready to meet some real party animals." Hmm...mysterious!
Oh and we also get to see Jillian working out like a maniac – which ABC has decided is all we will know about her. She flexes and she scares me. Her bum is being censored again because she is wearing "child size" shorts panties. Is the censoring because of the fur?? Or just your basic butt cheek slippage?? For f*ck sake just show us!!
Date Two: Farm-capades
The group date is some kind of farm-off, relay race to test their ability to live in Iowa.The girls have to go through an obstacle course that consists of shucking corn, gathering an egg from the chicken coop and cracking it into a pan without breaking the yolk (is this some kind of fertility symbolism?), milking a goat and then drinking said milk, shoveling manure and then being the first to catch a little piggy. Is this ridiculous or is it just me?
Gillian's ass is hanging out of yet another pair of shorts panties and is censored for most of the day. She is also bedecked in a shirt that very ironically states “Stay Classy.” I kid you not. She added a statement necklace so I am guessing she thinks that classes up the fact that she ain’t wearing pants. At one point Jillian is so intent on winning this competition (and proving she’s the bionic woman), she frickin’ monkeyvaults herself over the fence into the pig pen to try to beat Carly. They rerun it in slow motion in case we didn’t catch it the first time…censor bar and all.
[Note: To all you ladies out there who are thinking of going on this show: this could be you. ABC loves to pick one nutty thing about each woman and exploit the shit out of it. You’ve been warned.
Oh and there’s a bunch of innuendo about the goat milk -- Amber interviews that it’s "warm and salty" and something she "doesn't want in her mouth." ABC is losing me more and more by the minute.
Anyway, Carly beats out HGH’d Jillian and wins the obstacle course. Her prize is the rose! Nope, not so fast Carly. The prize is really a blue ribbon and a photo op with Chris a la that famous Grant Wood “American Gothic” painting. She doesn’t even get the pig! Then Jimmy and Chris do a version together for a photo. What’s with all the gay man humor here?
At the group date cocktail party, Carly steals Chris away right off the bat. She lays a crazy line on him about him being a man and her being a woman and that she just wants to take advantage. I’m afraid for Chris again. These chicks with their lines, man. It kills me. Next is time with Amber and she asks him to dance with her to no music which is just a ruse to make out with him. Ditto with HGH Jillian.
Mackenzie is once again acting like a crazy, naive bat. She talks to the girls about all the kissing Chris is doing and voices concern that he was kissing her JUST THE OTHER DAY! I wish someone would shake some sense into her to stop the oversharing. Of course she then gets time with Chris and says to him point blank "You know how we kissed the other day?" - um, yeah - "Well then why are you kissing everyone else?" He understandably doesn’t have much of a coherent reply and just sort of agrees that it’s weird, but that he needs to get to know everyone. Does this girl know what show she signed up for?
Anyway, once again the kissing bums out Britt too.
Next Chris spends time with Becca. I really like this girl. She pretty, sweet and seems put together. If you recall she lives in San Diego but she’s from Louisiana and says she’s very close with her family. She actually decides not to kiss him which is great, and in turn it earns her the group date rose. Crazy Eyes gives THE.BEST. reaction to the news. Carly wonders what she did wrong. She won the race and got the pig and then killed it with her sexy lines. It must be so confusing for her!
Date Three: Whitney
Next date card shows up: it's for Whitney. She seems so sweet but that voice! Oy. She tears up a little she's so happy.
Chris and Whitney head to a winery wearing clashing pink shirts. Someone call wardrobe!
Right off the bat Whitney quizzes Chris on what he's looking for. He tells her he wants a smart and genuine woman who can talk to anyone and make friends and be positive (someone who can "roll the cob" which is farmer speak for "go with the flow"). She flatters him a bunch (obvi) and tells him she’s spontaneous and friendly and all that girl stuff guys want to hear.
They look over their shoulders and see a wedding. At some point she asks him if he wants to crash it (YOLO!). From how he reacts (scared and hesitant) and the fact that we see them looking to the producers (and get a random shot of a cameraman), I’m thinking this wasn’t planned – at least that they knew about.
Anyway, they decide to crash (YOLO!) so they run off to change clothes. Then its nighttime and they are dressed up and they even have a gift. Hmm…now the spontaneity of this expedition is definitely a little suspect. They sneak into the wedding and the cameras can’t follow so they zoom in from afar with cell phones. They interact with a variety of people – including some of the bridemaids and even the bride’s mother. Whitney is a pro at lying and makes up stories about who they are and that she and Chris just got engaged. Chris is bumbling around – obviously not as good at making shit up as Whit.
They end up on the dance floor hugging the bride and dancing the night away. You know, some may say Chris’ is a bad dancer after this, but I think any guy who is willing to get on the floor and act silly is adorable. He’s got all my favorite moves (the Lawn Mower, the Shopping Cart).
At the end of the night, Chris runs over to a stray centerpiece and snatches a rose to give to Whitney and gushes over her a bunch. She accepts! It’s “amazing” X5. (DRINK! And PAY UP!)
Rose ceremony cocktail pool party
Next we see Chris working out and then Chris and Jimmy....showering together. Oh man, this is weird. Then Jimmy announces to the girls there will be no cocktail party -- there will be a pool party instead. How classy.
Some of the girls are psyched for the pool party - Megan in particular. Some, not so much. Ashley I. is upset because she was going to do her "Kardashian look" that night. Bummer. I would have enjoyed that. Instead, she goes for some exotic head jewelry. Is there anyone still out there who thinks that this girl would or could EVER end up with our sweet farmer??
Next we see Juelia is also upset because a pool party isn't where you get to know someone and boy, does she have a bunch to unload on Chris. But I guess she determines that unless she gets the sympathy vote she's quite possibly going home, so she pulls him out of the pool to tell him the ENTIRE story of how her husband committed suicide. It goes on and on and on...
And I have to stop a minute to address how uncomfortable this whole thing was. I was watching this episode with my friend Kerri who is a therapist. She was pretty upset by Juelia's account of the chain of events that led to her husband’s suicide. So not only did Juelia tell this personal information on a reality dating show (that she likely won’t be on much longer), she described exactly how it all went down. I hesitate to comment on how she handled the situation but let's just say she might want to keep the details to herself in the future. It's hard not to assume she was using this story to garner sympathy from Chris so he that he would keep her around. In her defense, he did ask what happened, but not before she brought it up AGAIN (he already knew she was a widow and why) and during a pool party no less. And Chris is polite. Perhaps she came onto this show a bit too soon after her husband's death and wasn’t ready to deal with dating someone else? Whatever her reasons, it was tacky and, I can imagine, hard for her husband's family to watch.
Oh one more thing: I have to add that during this whole "scene," Juelia is wearing her bikini. A bejeweled headband. Double fake lashes. And bright pink lipstick. A host of reminders that this was the wrong place and time for a serious conversation.
OK Rant over.
Back to the party…
Jillian's ass is hanging out which means the censor strip is out again. My god girl, put your ass away. Britt's up next. She confesses she's been upset that she hasn't had alone time with him. Then she molests his face - all while he's trying to talk to her. These girls are INTENSE. His head must be spinning.
Next is Jade. She asks to see his house. They seem to have a nice chat. Chris tells her to not worry about being aggressive like all the other girls. But then they jump on the bed and immediately start making out to ABC's version of porn music. Ick. We see she is wearing 4 inch heels with her bikini. Oh, Jade, no no no no no. It will be awhile before I get this scene out of my head. This pic sums it up:
They walk out the door and AHHH - Jillian is sitting in Chris' hot tub like a creepy creeper with her cheeky, censored for our safety, bikini panties. She invites Chris into the tub with her like she's the wicked queen luring Snow White with a delicious shiny apple. But the shiny apple in this case is her shiny buns of steel.
There's another braintrust convo involving Ashley I. and Mackenzie with a drunk Megan added for good measure. They discuss their lack of QT with Chris and their strategy for getting some. So they go together and get in the hot tub with him and Jillian then leave, then come back again. I'm so embarrassed for them all. Eventually Ashley ends up running off crying, dropping her drink and yelling at the camera.
During her time with Chris Ashley tells him about getting upset with Jillian and starts crying. He is very confused and you can tell he thinks she's losing it. But they start making out and she's swallowing his face again and throwing him around like a doll. I secretly wish she would roll right off the roof into a cactus.
Thankfully Charrison shows up and announces it’s time for the rose ceremony. And once again I am confused, shocked and annoyed by some of Chris’ choices.
We say goodbye to Amber, Tracey the teacher and Tonya Harding, er, I mean, Trina (who is, by the way, sporting a very understated (NOT) sequin figure skating costume). Here’s the list of who is left, in order that I like them/see them sticking around:
Becca (normal girl who doesn’t kiss in the first week) Whitney (self-proclaimed spontaneous girl with squeaky voice) Kaitlyn (funny Canadian with crop tops) Britt (L.A. waitress who could be the next Bachelorette) Jade (Arkansas girl who sexed Chris up this week) Kelsey (way too normal widow from Austin) Megan (blonde make-up artist who seems to be drunk a lot; I’m still on the fence)
[Sidebar: OK this is harder than I thought. I can’t vouch for the rest of these "ladies" so here they are in order of most normal/least annoying to craziest:]
Nikki (don’t know if she’s normal – just don’t know her) Samantha (ditto) Carly (cruise ship singer; won the farm-off) Jillian (buns of steel) Ashley I. (fake eyelashes, belly ring, head jewelry) Juelia (dramatic headband wearing widow #2) Mackenzie (14 year old stuck in 21 year olds body) Crazy Eyes (self-explanatory)
That’s 15 left. Let’s hope we cut a good five next week. I’ve had enough of those crazy bitches at the bottom.
P.S. In response to this unexpected and inappropriate mention of suicide, I thought I’d share info on what to do if you suspect someone you know is considering suicide or hurting themselves in any way: refer them to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline which can be reached at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or online at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. For more information on preventing, coping with and understanding suicide, visit the American Society for Suicide Prevention at https://www.afsp.org/.