The Bachelor, episode 2: I'm officially scared

This week's episode was big, and not in a good way. ABC hit some new lows this week and made many of us Bachelor-addicts think to ourselves "What is wrong with me for watching this nonsense?" Yet here I am watching, and even writing about, it. #sucker

For instance, it was pretty disappointing that after all these years of admittedly over the top, fairy tale-like romantic trips and goofy/creative group dates, they would stoop to just dropping the girls off in the middle of downtown L.A. after a pool party to wander around in their bikinis and then --surprise! -- race each other on tractors (is that hygienic?). Then they have Chris spending one on one time with a girl (Ashley I.) while she's still just in her bikini, sitting on his lap on a tractor no less (while he's clothed). It's all very tacky. And, even though I know this sounds really wacko and shows that I am way too involved in this show, I felt let down that Charrison would allow this.

So anyway on to the recap.

As you might recall we left off with a nail-biter of a cliffhanger last week when one of the ousted contestants (Kimberly, the yoga instructor from Long Island who in my opinion, looked much older than 28) decided she wouldn't take no for an answer (apparently she's ALL THAT and Chris missed out) and marched her ass back into the mansion to tell Chris he made a mistake. So this week we see Kimberly pleading with him to give her another chance. I'm sure there were words like "destiny" and "meant to be" thrown in there, but I wasn't paying close attention because I was already fuming over the fact that I knew Chris (read: ABC) was going to keep her. I am not sure why this irritated me so much. If I was her and I didn't get any time with Chris to get to know him and vice versa, I would probably feel a little gypped too. But really, dem's not the rules babe! You weasel your way back in and it upsets the apple cart right from the get go. Chris looks weak; the girls are going to be pissed off and now we have one more girl we have to keep track of. Its exhausting. And really, if Chris is choosing drunks and crazy-eyed broads over you, wouldn't you take the hint??

Moving on to the dates

This week Chris picked Ashely I, Tara, Jade, Tandra, Mackenzie and Kimberly to go on the first group date. If you don't remember, Ashley I. is the hot brunette with the ginormous fake...eyelashes; Tandra is the pretty blonde who showed up on the motorcycle; Jade is the cute, normal brunette from Arkansas; Tara is the drunk who wears short shorts; Mackenzie is the 21 year old rube with the kid named "Kale;" and Kimberly is the girl who just talked her way back into the group.

Chris' note tells them something about the date being "a little bit country" so a bunch of them throw on daisy dukes and cowboy boots (one of my least favorite looks on the planet btw) and traipse over to some hotel(?) for a pool party. Makes sense. Cowboys love pool parties. There's not much to say about this date until we get to the aforementioned trip down the streets of L.A. to the tractors...and you already know how I feel about that.

Chris' one on one time with Ashley goes fine I guess. Based on what I think I know about Chris I can't imagine this girl being his type. I mean, she's gorgeous but I can't get past her eyelashes. She seems a bit high maintenance. We will learn more about her later actually.

Next we are back at the hotel(?) and Chris tells the group he'll pick one girl for another one on one date and the rest of the girls will go home. Talk about dragging this out. He picks Mackenzie for the date. Interesting choice.

I don't think any of us are surprised to learn that Mackenzie's a bit immature, giggles a lot and believes in aliens. Oh and she also tells Chris she likes guys with big noses, which you can tell offends him because I doubt he ever considered his nose to be anything but just fine and beautiful (or maybe that's me). This is the point where she reveals that she "has a kid" and is a single mom. She builds up her "secret" so much I think Chris is thinking she is going to tell him she used to be a man or something outrageous so when he finds out it's just a child a look of relief sweeps across his face.

I find it strange that Chris interviews that essentially he thinks Mackenzie is nuts but then ends up giving her a rose anyway. Because of the kid reveal perhaps? Who knows. I hate to say this but Chris, you are being too nice! I'd much rather see that potty mouth of his come out and say "That girl is f&ckin' tapped!" and send her off in a limo back to whatever commune she came from.

OH - I almost forgot. While the bikini girls are on the group date, the ladies left in the mansion are drinking their faces off. Megan (the blonde from Nashville who I thought looked a little "off") and Jillian (the workout freak from DC) sneak down (up?) to Chris' house to check it out. They find his motorcycle and Megan takes great joy in putting on his helmet and ramming her head into things, like the kid from the original Parenthood movie. Jillian finds this strange.

You know what we find strange? The fact that Jillian's wearing a bikini so skimpy that ABC feels the need to censor it -- both the back AND the front! Huh? Does she have her bits hanging out? Pubes? I know I will be disturbed by the answer but WHAT IS IT??? Wait, I don't want to know...I mean, yes I do. Ahhh!

Anyway the girls return to the house and Mackenzie gives them all a blow by blow of all the kissing she did with Chris. This girl is a trip. Someone is going to boil her on the stove if she doesn't get a clue.

Next date is a one on one...and it's with Megan - the seemingly ditsy blonde make up artist from Nashville. Chris picks her up and they end up flying to Vegas in a private plane and then - surprise! - there's a helicopter ready to fly them over the Grand Canyon! This is actually very cool and it's a pointed reminder of the horrendous group date the other girls were just subjected to. Hmm...flying over the GC in a helicopter OR skipping down the streets of L.A. in your bikini.  You gotta pick the helicopter, right?

Chris and Megan have a sort of picnic on the edge of a/the canyon and they seem to hit it off. I didn't notice before how pretty Megan's eyes are - Chris notices as well (we are so alike!). She seems relatively down to earth and ends up sharing with him how her father died. This of course elicits romantic feelings from Chris and so they make out a bunch.

Next up - another group date! Yeah!

This one includes: Kaitlyn, the sarcastic Canadian with the dirty jokes; Britt, the recipient of the FIR (first impression rose) and supposed favorite; Amber, the bartender from Chicago; Kelsy, the widow from Austin; Trina, the Tonya Harding lookalike with the snarly hair; Alissa, the flight attendant; Tracy, the teacher from FL; Jillian, the one with the X-rated bikini; Juelia, the esthetician with the long straight blonde hair (who we also found out this week is a widow); Ashley S., with the crazy eyes; and Becca, another blonde who I think might be one of the normals.

(Jesus that was exhausting.)

This date takes the girls to a dark and gloomy lot where they get attacked by zombies! They're screaming and crawling over each other in the limo! Now this is getting interesting! But, alas, they don't really get attacked - it's just a set and the zombies are just actors. (I was secretly hoping the zombies would be real and they'd "trim the herd," so to speak. But no such luck.) They are all there to play paint ball with Chris. Fun!

What's not so fun? Ashley S. (from now on referred to just as "Crazy") acting like an escapee from McLean's. I can't imagine how this chick's act could be for real. ABC wouldn't allow a legit crazy on the show would they? So that leaves me to assume she is acting a part and trying to get attention. And I don't like it.

Meanwhile back at the house...

Jordan is drunk (again). We get to see her not only twerk - but twerk upside down against a wall. She's got talent! She also tells us Jillian has a furry ass. Perhaps this is a clue as to why ABC blurred it out earlier.

Back to the group date cocktail party, they show us three girls who get some decent one on one time -- Kaitlyn, Crazy and Britt. Kaitlyn connects with Chris and tells him she just wants to have fun with him and make him laugh. I can respect that. Chris calls her a "firecracker" and seems to really dig her. They smooch. Sidebar: Kaitlyn's interviews are the funniest and funnest thing about this episode. She is providing us with some much needed comic relief.

Crazy continues to act bat shit and scare the other girls, as well as Chris during their one on one time. She is asking him insane questions about hiding and looking for the truth and losing/gaining the whole world etc. Seriously. Is she tripping? Then she actually interrupts one of his interviews being filmed by the crew and babbles a bunch of nonsense. We leave her kneeling on the ground talking to a cat. As Chris says later: "holy schnikeys."

Next up is Britt. Chris and Britt reconnect and both seem to have missed each other. Britt says all the right things. Chris gives her a note/coupon that reads "Free Kiss from Chris" to counter her "Free Hugs" note. Very sweet. They smooch - a lot.

Once they are all reassembled Chris presents the rose to Kaitlyn, which sends Britt into a funk (especially since her bright pink lipstick is still on his freakin' face). Bummer for her.

Rose Ceremony

There are standouts from the rose ceremony cocktail party - and not all in a good way.

Whitney: This girl brings it. She grabs Chris and when he's telling her he's sorry he didn't get a date with her this week, she brings him over to a surprise whiskey picnic. Chris apparently loves whiskey...so this is a sweet gesture. I like this girl. She gives him the speech about wanting to get to know him better and I think they smooch.

Ashley I.: In a braintrust conversation with Mackenzie, Ashley reveals she's a virgin! Mackenzie gets way too excited for her and exclaims that she would looooooove to be a virgin because of course, Chris would love to take a girl's virginity. I'm still noodling that one. Not sure if that's really something on many dude's bucket list, but what do I know.  So moving on to Ashley's one on one time with Chris, she doesn't tell him she's a virgin but instead tells him he needs to rub her belly ring and he can make a wish. I'm not joking. Then we are subjected to a gross make out sesh between the two of them that might get an NC-17 rating if this were a movie. Seriously. Did she straddle him at one point?? Yikes.

Jordan - The Bachelor - bossyisthenewblack.net

Jordan: She's drunk again (or still drunk). She "goes in for the kill" and interrupts Chris and Juelia's one on one time then continues to smack her lips and talk about lipstick -- something about how she should have lipstick on if she wants to kiss Chris because that's what all the other girls do. Is that it? I don't know - I don't care. I just love how drunk she is. Chris is flummoxed by Jordan. She then tells him she was going to go in for the kill and make out with him but that it just seemed awkward. I find Jordan hysterical. Her interviews are fantastic.

Amber gets some one on one time and asks Chris if she can kiss him. He obliges. I really don't like when people ask if they can kiss you, but whatever. Go get it girl! I desperately want Amber to find a better hairstyle. She's a cute girl and seems to have a good sense of humor.

(Sidebar: While Chris is canoodling with all of the above, Britt is freaking out and crying. It's not fun to share a dude, is it girls?)

Roses go to everyone but Tara, Kimberly, Jordan, Alissa. So this means he kept Crazy. I find this impossible to believe and we now know beyond any doubt that ABC coerces the contestants into keeping certain people. But I'm here to tell you ABC, Crazy isn't entertaining. Her schtick is lame. Let us keep Jordan instead with her drunken interviews and upside down twerking. At least she's authentic. She's authentically drunk and super f&ckin' funny.

Conclusion

This was a tedious week. Let's hope we start weeding through the girls a little faster, that Chris stands up to ABC and tells the crazies to take a hike, and that the dates get a little more highbrow. Otherwise, it's going to be a looooong season.

Have a great week!