The Bachelor, episode 1: Let's meet the "ladies"

Chris Soules inquisitr

Welcome back kids! It’s time for my first recap of season 19 of The Bachelor, starring the beautiful Chris Soules. As I've said before, I'm pretty excited for this season because of Chris and will try to contain myself (not making any promises).

Show opens and we see Chris in his natural habitat of Arlington, Iowa. He’s on a motorcycle. He has a beautiful, supportive family. He owns a beautiful home. He loves the outdoors. Is this guy perfect? That shot of him sitting on his bike in the leather jacket?? Lawdy, lawdy I need a cold shower and we’re only five minutes in.

The rub: Arlington is 20 miles from civilization and has 400 some odd residents. Yikes.

So we are moving right along and then WHAM – we hit a wall. We are subjected to an ABC red carpet premiere event with superfans and the "stars" of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette chatting with Charrison (that’s Chris Harrison for short, in case you forgot), our dutiful host.

I hate to start off on a bad foot by being negative, but this is a waste of my time. Is this why they stretched the premiere to three hours?? Ick. It's annoying me. All I want is Chris (Soules, not Harrison).

Then we get a montage about the girls. I won't waste my word count on them. I'll wait for the real action to start from the limos to the cocktail party.

It must be time for the show now, right?

Wrong! First we have to talk to Andi and Josh. Andi basically said Chris is a "what you see is what you get" kind of guy. Not sure if that is flattering, or if she’s calling him simple. Andi was obsessively rubbing Josh's back and Josh looked very cranky. Hmmm...

At some point we see a piece about Chris training with Cody Sattler for the show. I was worried Cody would try to morph sweet Chris into a meathead but it doesn’t appear to have happened. Phew.

Charrison next talks to Nicki about Juan Pablo and their break up. Nicki said she wanted to "stand by my man" at least three times. Overall she was annoying but she looked fabulous. I'm bored with the Nicki/JP conversation in general so that's all I'll say. Obviously Juan P broke his contract with ABC otherwise he would be there too being forced to give his side of the story.

Onto Chris!

Chris finally gets to L.A. and they are totally making him look like he's a rube standing in the middle of L.A. looking lost.  He just traveled the world for Andi’s season of the Bachelorette and is a successful entrepreneur ABC – I’m sure he’s been to a big city before. Oh but then they have him trying on clothes. Yeah! Hmmm...he says he hates it. I love it! He says it’s exhausting. It does look quite annoying. God he has such a good sense of humor. And he's such a manly man. Enough with the hay ABC.

[Note: Yes I realize my thoughts are coming out in very strange bursts. I’m overstimulated. Please bear with me.]

Ooh they put him in a house...[And now he's showering. What the what?! I need a time out.]....down (up?) the hill from the mansion where the girls live. Um, that's asking for trouble, isn't it?

Man, this guy WEARS a suit, amirite? He's so handsome.

The Limos

First limo pulls up and away we go!! It appears to be all the girls from the packages we just saw.

Um, is Britt crying? She hugged Chris for waaay too long. She gives him a note. It says “Redeem for a hug” and she says for him to come find her and she will explain it to him. (Um, I think it means he can turn the slip in and she’ll give him another hug, but maybe I’m not hip to what the young kids are doing these days.)

Here are some random observations: Meghan looks like a mess. Ashley I. is hot and has mad eyelashes. Trina looks crazy...and is it just me or does she look like Tonya Harding back in the day? Reegan sells human tissue and brings some in a cooler. She scares me. Holy shit Tara has cowboy boots, a flannel and short shorts on. Then she goes in some room and changes and then pops back outside to meet Chris all over again in a dress. Becca has a hot sparkly dress and trendy booties. Chris drools.

One girl won't get out of the limo and instead sends a note out via the driver. Oh boy, this is already a circus. Chris' note tells him to turn around and close his eyes. The blonde ballet teacher with the big eyes sneaks up on him, grabs him and talks a lot then runs away and makes him feel stupid.

Mackenzie is sweet but is 21 (21!) and has a kid named "Kale." Eek. Ashley S., a hair stylist from Brooklyn, puts a lucky penny in Chris' shoe and stares at him with crazy eyes. A cute brunette named Kaitlyn pops out and has major potty mouth. Chris laughs and seems to like it, but it's pretty intense.

Charrison approaches Chris at this point (unprecedented!) and tells him he can go inside to meet the girls. Hmm…is it a trick?  So he gets in the house to talk to the first 15. In the middle of talking/welcoming everyone, potty mouth Kaitlyn interrupts him to tell a joke and he essentially tells her to shut it so he can talk. Nice! But as a true gentleman, he allows her to tell her joke after and I gotta say, it’s a smidge raunchy for a first impression kind of evening. Everyone gasps. I gasp.

Chris moves on to start getting some one on one time. First up is Britt and whoa, she charms the pants off of him. He looks like he wants to maul her. Instead they hug again and we move on.

The other ladies are freaking out that there aren't more contestants there. For good reason girls: there’s 15 more on the way!

He seems to like Whitney - the fertility nurse. Besides her voice I actually like this girl too.

That's all that stood out so far, on to more limos.

A bunch of pretty brunettes pop out of the first limo. The "original" 15 are very bitter about the newcomers. They are peeking out the windows like creepers.

A girl in a long dress shows up on a motorcycle. They don't tell us her name but I think it is Tandra. Alissa the flight attendant shows Chris how to use a seat belt as an excuse to put her hands all over him. [Sidebar: she had a really weird/stupid/bizarre video in the opening “package.” Beware.] Another girl (Jordan?) brings Chris whiskey and they do a shot together; the next one has red hair and wears a pig nose. Huh? And then the WWE girl shows up in a lace mini dress that looks like a costume. She has huge wrestling boobies and big signage.

And like icing on The Bachelor wedding cake: a perky cruise ship singer with a pink dress and a pink karaoke machine serenades Chris.

You think I’m joking. These things really happened! And this is just the first episode!

There are 30 girls total so now it comes down to Chris trying to talk to them all. They all deduce rather quickly that they will have to steal him from each other to get some face time with Chris. Then they start freaking out and whispering and panicking. This is when it gets good.

Ashley S. is babbling about how people are like onions. Then she approaches Chris and the WWE girl and steals him in a drunken stupor. I kind of wish the WWE girl would body slam her. Then she's interviewing and says she sees an onion and insists the cameramen follow her. Turns out it’s a pomegranate. She says it makes her feel powerful. I am not making this shit up.

Tara is doing shots and tells us her best friends are Johnny Walker, Jamesons and Jack Daniels. Hoo ha, here we go.

We see Chris talking to a cute girl from Nebraska named Jade and he seems smitten. She has stories of moving to the big city and she seems nice and down to earth. But then he wanders off to give the First Impression rose to Britt. She gives him a giant hug then -- for the first time in Bachelor history - he gives her a real fancy kiss. A kiss kiss! Once again – unprecedented!

[Sidebar: Is it just me or does Britt seem like she’s not all there? She gives out free hugs on the streets of L.A. for cat’s sake. She's soooooooooooo overly something. I can’t think of the word. Verbose? Dramatic? It’s like she’s acting a part. She is of course a knock-out, but that isn’t the only consideration.]

I'm starting to feel a little bad for Chris. I mean, not sorry for him, because really, he has 30 beautiful women throwing themselves at him, but I guess I am more just plain scared for him. When you look at these girls all in one room with the sparkly dresses and big hair, it's a bit frightening. Especially since at least 3 of them have exceptionally crazy eyes. He’s got some work to do paring down the crazies from the sweet ones.

Rose Ceremony

Let’s get right to it:  Chris gives roses to: Kaitlyn, Jade, Samantha, Ashley I, Kendra, Nicki, Kelsey, Meghan, Alyssa, Amber, Juelia, Becca, Trina....

And during all this we keep seeing Tara fidgeting, shifting her feet, wobbling and making comments under her breath. She stumbles but catches herself. She’s rubbing her arms like she’s in the arctic. She looks like she’s going to puke. It’s quite obvious to the girls and to Chris that she’s hammered. After the rose goes to Trina, Chris stops, looks around for a minute then bugs out of the room. Whoa. He tells Chris was going to pick Tara but she is so drunk he's not sure he should (um, I love you Chris, but "no shit"). He goes back and tells the girls he "just wants to get this right" and proceeds with the roses.

Next up is Mackenzie, Tracey, TARA (What!!??), Jordan (also a little drunk), Jillian, Whitney, Carly, and last but not least, Ashley S (What!!?? She’s the onion girl!).

Oh Chris, what are you thinking?? This is going to be a boozy season!

The WWE girl and the pig nose girl both head home. The ballet teacher and the human tissue sales woman go too. They walk out of the house into -- the sunshine. It's dawn I imagine, which means they keep these poor girls up all night long feeding them alcohol and empty promises.

And then - dun dun DUN - the ousted Kimberly interviews and then decides she's not going to take no for an answer. She marches right back into the mansion and asks Chris if he can talk. But apparently they are saving that for next week because we then we go to commercial and come back to the scenes from the season.

My early favorites: Kelsey, Whitney and one of the brunettes whose name I can't remember. Becca? Can't remember. I'm undecided about Britt, even though Charrison's studio audience all seemed to like her (exception: Michelle Money. She heard Britt doesn't shower! Ha!). Oh and the real kicker: based on the scenes it looks like Chris may have deflowered someone early and everyone loses their shit. Jesus. Most dramatic season EVER!

See ya next week!