Well, there you have it. The first season of Bachelor in Paradise all wrapped up in a shiny Neil Lane ring.
As I said before, I had high hopes for this show, but it proved to be a big, boring, hot mess. The "relationships" were forced, the drama was benign and the excitement was null and void. Bring back Bachelor Pad people! But alas, this drivel has been renewed for another season. Owell.
The final play
Here's the run down of how this thing closed out at Papaya Playa:
In the scenes after episode six, ABC teased us that there was going to be some heavy drama coming in the finale. Charrison promised "Everything is about to change!" and "A shocking ending you won't see coming!" Let's just say he was exaggerating.
What did happen was Charrison arrived back at the beach hut to let the surviving couples know that they would have to take a good, hard look at their relationships and decide if they could could take them into their regular lives. Don't try to fool each other and definitely don't try to fool Charrison!
This of course leads to everyone FREAKING OUT about what they're going to do. They have, after all, invested a whole two weeks into these "relationships" and they deserve careful consideration. The boys and girls split into their huts to discuss what this all means and ask each other what they're going to do. The girls are subjected to crazy AshLee with her crazy wristwear going on and on about being into Graham but wanting to take it into the real world blah blah blah, when Michelle Money (MM) jumps up and declares "I have to talk to Graham." And of course AshLee has no clue it has anything to do with her. Dope. MM goes to tell Graham how wrong for him AshLee is, he cries a little in her bosom and then promptly breaks up with AshLee. It's for the best, Graham.
The next couples to go are Zack and Jackie, and Christy and Tasos, of course because they just paired up like, yesterday, and know they don't want to commit to one another. Thanks for playing. See how boring this is?
That leaves three couples: Marcus and Lacy (duh, of course); Robert and Sarah (who have had their ups and downs but are now on an "up"); and MM and Cody (giggle). Charrison comes back to congratulate them all for making the decision to move on and tells them they each get a Fantasy Suite date. Yee-haw. Now we're talking.
Fantasy Suite Dates
I'll keep this part short because it all (unfortunately) plays out rather predictably:
1) Marcus and Lacy are soooo in love and have a super romantic and intimate night, with Lacy finally declaring her love for Marcus. Happy if these two really are in love but they couldn't be more dull to watch.
2) MM decides to give Cody a shot (per the advice of her nine year old) and although she tells him he's "not getting lucky" proceeds to "#$%& him all night long." She's sore and he's checked some stuff off his bucket list. I can't say I'm surprised, they both have that wild animal look in their eyes. Good for them!
3) Robert and Sarah. This one of course ends in awkward, uncomfortable conversation and causes Sarah to interview that she doesn't even know if Robert has a penis (i.e. he wouldn't take off his jeans). I think we saw this coming. Didn't it take Robert like two dates and a long swim before he would even kiss Sarah? And now they stay in the fantasy suite and he just wants to go to sleep? That is not a good sign and she was right to cut him loose. She regrets her decision of course, but I'm sure she was fine after a hot shower and a good meal.
So now we are left with Michelle and Cody and Marcus and Lacy. After a really strange sequence involving other Bachelor/ette alums who "found love on TV" who come back to counsel our new couples, MM and Cody do the whole swapping of roses thing and then they are gone. Then it's Marcus and Lacy's turn. But wait! Marcus needs to talk to Lacy in private, down on a platform by the beach. He is sweating and shaking, but soldiers on to tell her (again) all the ways he loves her. Then in true ABC-sponsored fashion, he drops on one knee, presents a ginormous Neil Lane ring and proposes to Lacy. Everyone cheers.
So there you have it. The inaugural season of Bachelor in Paradise ends with true love. It's all so magical, amirite?
1. ABC should pick Graham to be the next Bachelor and, when she and Cody break up, Michelle to be the next Bachelorette. Graham is adorably down to earth (and hot) and Michelle is a firecracker with great style (and hot). Both would be solid gold seasons.
2. The contracts the Bachelor/ettes have to sign must be epic if Jason and Molly Mesnick have to be dragged into something as stupid as Bachelor in Paradise after this much time has gone by.
3. Tulum Mexico is on the Yucatan Peninsula, south of Cancun and is very historical. An interesting choice for this L.A. based network/crowd.
4. Tasos and Jackie should get asked back. They both are super attractive and seem pretty normal. Wouldn't they be cute together? Ok wait, that sounds boring.
5. I will watch pretty much anything.
That's it! Counting the days until the premiere of The Bachelor starring farmer hunk Chris Soules! January can't come soon enough.
Bye for now!