ABC's Bachelor in Paradise: A hot tropical mess
Really ABC? Really?
I had so many hopes and dreams for Bachelor in Paradise (heretofore referred to as "BIP").OK I'm exaggerating, but I was looking forward to a good smutty summer show. But it's proving to be a royal cluster. Look up "hot mess" in the dictionary and you will see these people:
I wasn't planning on recapping BIP. After watching the first episode I realized how wrong it was. But here I am, writing about this mess anyway.
I used to watch Bachelor Pad, and although that was also a brain-sucking waste of time, it was at least entertaining. There was a game with a cash prize; there were Survivor-like alliances; there were tears; and there was the occasional romance.
ABC got rid of the "game" with BIP (although, really, this stuff is all a big game isn't it?) and it's left us with...well, nothing. We have many "Who is that?" contestants -- several women on BIP that didn't even make it past the first rose ceremony on their respective Bachelor seasons. We have beefcake. We have dumb blondes. We actually do have some tears (within the first day no less). But other than that, there's no plot or reason they are there other than to drink loads of booze and hook up. The set-up is a series of "huts" on the beach in Mexico (and rumor has it the conditions were less than stellar). Each week either the guys or the girls present the roses to the girl/guy they have a "connection" with. All of those left over gots to go!
We've seen three episodes so far. Here are some of the highs and lows of BIP we've been subjected to seen to date:
Highs (I mean this in the most sarcastic way possible):
- Crazy Michelle's exit: Michelle is from Jake's season; she was crazy back then and yup, still crazy now. What the hell is wrong with this girl?? I mean, there's arguably something wrong with all of these people but this one might actually be clinical. So here's what happened: when Michelle was staying in the hotel (presumably before taping started) she was rooming next door to a production assistant named Ryan Putz (foreshadowing). These two struck up a friendship that blossomed to romance once he brought her "fresh cut flowers and floss." Allegedly they started an affair. Michelle then leaves to go to "Paradise" but sends herself "home" at the first rose ceremony and insinuates to producers that she may have "already found love."
Let's pause for me to say -- this is literally the only interesting story line on this show.
Anyway, they take Michelle back to the hotel. Producers make numerous attempts to talk to her about what happened and when she refuses to talk to anyone, they send Charrison over to plead with her to tell us what's up. At one point a producer says to her "Chris is here. You have to talk to him" to which Michelle responds "No I don't! He's just the host." Ha! The look on Charrison's face is priceless! Check it out here.
OK so let's tie this up: apparently Michelle has Ryan Putz in her room and instead of just fessing up (or hiding him in the tub, duh), this "putz" decides to jump off her balcony. The problem: he thinks the drop is only 2 feet when in fact it's over 6 feet and he proceeds to break both of his feet/ankles. We have one of ABC's production assistants telling us what happened and this girl couldn't look like more of a mess herself. ABC then makes her do a REENACTMENT of what transpired (seriously, this happened) and as she's interviewing, she starts laughing and just can't stop. OK I might have underestimated her. That. Was. Awesome.
- Crazy Elise's speech: This one is a timeless fairy tale. Elise (from Juan Pablo's season) meets Dylan (from Andi's season who is looking pretty good btw). She falls in love with him instantly. She wraps her whole body around him in the ocean and doesn't let go for the next several days. Dylan tells her she's smothering him and she may want to get to know other people. Elise does not understand. She makes out with grody Chris Bukowski (from Emily's season) to make Dylan jealous. Dylan tells her to buzz off. Elise doesn't believe him. She offers him a rose anyway (huh?), Dylan rejects it and then Elise gives this speech which is epic in its stupidity. Next week she's completely in love with Chris, they drive off in a taxi and live happily ever after. The end.
- Charrison's style: Mexico looks good on Charrison! He's wearing swanky suits, casual wear and a silly attitude. I'm guessing he knows full well this show is cray cray too (while he's counting his money).
- AshLee: I'll put this under "high" because I don't think we've seen the last of the crazy that AshLee (from Sean's season) has been delivering on a weekly basis. She went apeshit in week one because Clare asked Graham (from Deanna's season; her chosen one) out on a date. Clare (one of Juan Pablo's final 2) wisely decided to ask someone else. When AshLee finally gets a one-on-one date with Graham, she drops a load of crazy on him, including the admission that she had been stalking him on social media before coming on the show. I suspect Graham -- who seems relatively normal -- is gonna try to shake this girl and we will get to see the aftermath. That will be fun.
- Lacey and Robert and Marcus: Lacy (who didn't get even get through the first rose ceremony on Juan Pablo's season) isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but she has big ta-tas so she finds herself in a love triangle within the first few days in Mexico. She ultimately chooses Marcus (from Andi's season) and they couldn't be more boring.
- Michelle Money: I was excited to see Michelle Money (from Brad's season). She tends to be a little more sensible than the rest of the girls. Nope, not this time. We see her have a legit breakdown at least twice (e.g. after Ben's letter, Marquel picking another girl). She also wears strange head gear. Perhaps she's just drunk -- she does drink a lot, based on what Marquel (from Andi's season) says.
- Sarah: Oh sweet innocent Sarah (from Sean's season). Why are you here? I'm not going to say she's playing with a full deck, but she seems like an honest and decent person. She needs to get some self-confidence and get on the first helicopter out of this place. She's officially tried to align with (date?) three guys now and none have stuck. Perhaps this Robert (from Des' season) thing is legit? That guy seems a little naive too. Maybe they're a match made in "paradise." Bah-hahaha!
- Ben: Ben (from Des' season) gets caught up in "drama" when Marquel "finds" a letter in his bag from a girl back home. So we have to go through the "he's not here for the right reasons" BS. The right reasons!?? Isn't everyone here just to shag each other rotten? I don't like this guy or this faux drama so it goes on my list of lows.
- BIP motto = YOPO ("you only paradise once"): No no no no no. NO!
BIP/Bachelor Pad had the potential to be a fun riff on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge concept -- which I also used to watch religiously. Sure, they had the exact same sort of tropical accommodations, the hot guys and girls and the booze, but there was also a game involved. It served as somewhat of a plot -- or at least a point: they win money at the end. And if some relationships (or frenemies) should come out of it too -- all the better.
Wise up ABC. BIP is just trash. All the people you roped in to be on this show should hope to heck they walk out of this with their reputations intact. Bring back Bachelor Pad!