The Bachelorette, episode 9: fantasy suite week!
Anyway, the episode finally begins and Andi is in the Dominican Republic for the final three dates. These dates are typically pretty idyllic and lead to the reading of the "...if you choose to forego your individual rooms..." invite to the fantasy suite. As you recall (and as ABC reminds us), the fantasy suite date is where everything when awry for Andi and Juan Pablo last year.
Andi's first date is with Nick. I am not loving Andi's snakeskin print dress, or Nick's yellow shirt/green shorts ensemble. But that's not important. They go in a helicopter, of course, to get to a gorgeous beach on a private island. Upon arriving they strip off the ugly clothes and go skinny dipping. Just kidding. They go swimming and canoodling in their almost matching swimwear.
Andi is concerned that Nick's version of his last break-up was different than his family's version and quizzes him on that. I'm not really sure I agree with this line of questioning. Seems like fake drama to try to confuse us. Then I notice that Nick has a fancy hairless body and I am confused by him.
Andi looks scared. Is Nick too deep for her? Does she think he's fibbing? Is she wondering where all his hair went? Hmm...enough of that...let's snorkel!
That evening, they meet for dinner. I find myself again distracted by Nick's outfit. Red pants and a blue, yellow and gray color block baseball shirt. He's dressing like a kindergartner.
As a surprise, or present, he whips out a book he wrote for Andi. It's a fairy tale he wrote about the two of them and OMG it's illustrated. He starts to read from the book and ABC is adding flashbacks of he and Andi's romance along to the story. I think I threw up a little. The story leads up to the fantasy suite date card and then ends there (and there are extra pages after that to represent the adventures they will have together forever and ever after they bang in the fantasy suite!).
Anywho, Andi pulls out the fantasy suite card and it says the EXACTLY the same thing that it ALWAYS says. And Andi says the usual "What are your thoughts?" which means "Should we do it?" Nick tells her he wants the opportunity to talk her ear off all night...and I actually believe this.
He then pulls her behind a tree and tells her everything he loves about her. She's pulling on his pants in a randy way, but she's got the resting bitch face during most of his speech. Then he tells her flat out he loves her and she lights up. Is it me or does she look a smidge concerned? Anyway, they kiss a bunch and skip off to the fantasy suite. Time for lights out you perverts!
Next date is with Josh, who also appears hairless. This is creepy. She's all up on him right from the get-go. Very telling.
They browse through a local market. When she's with Josh she feels "young and vibrant." Honey, you ARE young and vibrant!! You don't need this clown to make you feel like that.
Andi's got another ridiculously short pair of shorts on again. Josh makes her dance, then they go watch some kids play baseball, because as we all know, that is Josh's favorite topic. Some kid asks them to play. Enough with the baseball! On Josh's hometown he brings her to play baseball because that is what he likes. On her date, shouldn't she take him to do something SHE likes?
Anyway, Josh tells her he loves her. He's talking a mile a minute, but I start to finally feel some authenticity coming from him.
At dinner, they talk about the night they met and about how he thought he was going home and I can't stop looking at his hair. They talk about what kind of parents they'll be...and Josh tells her he can envision their life together. He also reiterates that he loves her, but he's talking a mile a minute again. Is he nervous? He's so wound up! She looks all smiley and giggly. Ding-ding-ding! I think we have a winner!
But wait!! She brings up the "two good to be true" thing again. She gets on him for being happy all the time and practically shames him into saying that the reason he's so happy is because he's with her. I'm even more convinced she's gonna pick him because she's acting like such a wackadoo.
Out comes the fantasy suite card. Blah blah blah. When they're walking toward the suite, fireworks go off. Symbolism? Josh uses the word "amazing" a bunch. (DRINK!). And then it's tubbie time!! I had grown accustomed to the absence of these cheesy hot tub scenes. Oops, maybe that's a swimming pool. Whatever.
Next date: Chris. And apparently, because he's a farmer, they think he needs to have a date at a farm around a bunch of cows. How insulting!
Andi's got another bad casual outfit on, but Chris looks perfect.
She tells him they are going horseback riding and she's afraid of horses. Anyway he hoists her up there and then she's fine. Oh wait, she's not fine. Her horse is taking off! Super Chris to the rescue! He knows exactly what to do. He is amaaaazzzzing. (DRINK!)
Things I love about Chris: 1) his potty mouth; 2) his hands; 3) his teeth; 4) his dimples; 5) his mom; 6) his bod; 7) he knows how to do everything; 8) his scruff; 9) his laugh; 10) and he has hair on his arms!!!
She interviews she doesn't know what to do with him. I'll tell ya what do to with him sweetheart.
I think I need to take a cold shower.
They meet for dinner. She goes on about how much she loves Iowa and his family. He puts her on the spot and asks her again about the thought of moving there. She confesses that she is still unsure about it and it's a lot to think about. He tells her if two people are meant to be together, they can make it work anywhere.
And then she goes on a rant. She's got a very contemplative face on, she's rubbing her brow and...she's silent. And then she's crying. She finally tells him that she doesn't feel the same way that he does and that she could take the easy way out and say it's about Iowa, when it's really that she's not feeling the foundation is there with him.
Poor sweet Chris. But this totally confirms he will be the next Bachelor.
She continues to cry. And ramble. He tells her he appreciates her honesty. She says she feels like an idiot because he's perfect on paper. And he lets her off the hook by saying it's all about the feelings and if she's not feeling it, she's not feeling it. And there's an awkward moment where I'm sure he's like "should I go?" and so he says "I should go." And she's STILL crying. This is where the head and the heart thing comes in. She's beating herself up pretty bad. They hug and he leaves.
She's bawling as he walks away...and they immediately make him do an interview. And he rocks it. Everything he says is perfect. I am going to believe this is real and not scripted by ABC. As he is driven off in the van, he interviews that his heart is broken. I respect the fact that he never cries. I'm sure he's bummed, but knows it's not the end of the world, and I dig that about him.
So it's down to Nick and Josh. I guess we didn't have to be geniuses to see this coming. Both are amaaaazzzing. (DRINK!)
We are going ahead with the rose ceremony, because as Andi said, it's important that the boys choose to accept the rose from her. Makes sense I guess. Can I point out that Josh trips on the way in?
The dudes stand out by the water and Charrison tells them Chris is gone. Josh looks shocked; Nick looks elated. She gives Nick the first rose and Josh squishes his face up in a grimace.
You know I love this show, but I think this might be legitimately the weirdest part of this show. Two guys standing there knowing they both spent the night with her the night before. Both knowing they will meet her family to vie for her hand in marriage. Crazy.
Next week is one of my favorite parts of the show: Men Tell All!! (click the link for some non-spoiling dirt.)
We close by finding out Andi wet the bed until 5th grade. That was information I did not need to know.
See ya next week!