Is it just me or does this season of "The Bachelorette" get MORE boring as we move closer to the end? It just doesn't make any sense. We need Nick -- the most hated dude of the season -- to go on a two-on-one date with Andi and Josh and get bullied for an entire dinner. Or Marcus, the first one to say I love you, to ditch Andi once she falls for him and then leave her devastated. Or Chris to tell her he wants her to be a homemaker on an Iowa farm. Oh wait, that one's actually going to happen! OK enough of my wish list, let's review the latest episode (sorry it's tardy, I was drinking up all the booze in Key West).
On this week's episode The Bachelorette is entertaining her suitors in Belgium. This episode is unfortunately airing the same week the men's USA soccer team is playing Belgium in the World Cup. Bad coincidence. Belgium is so pretty, but I hate it! They ruined our dream of losing to Argentina! I do like their sprouts though.
Anyway, this week Andi needs to whittle down the dudes from six to the four getting hometown dates. She has Dylan (doesn't talk), Marcus (loves her madly), Josh (is just mad), Brian (innocent cherub), Nick (pouty egomaniac) and Chris (hot farmer) left.
We meet the guys in their Brussels hotel suite where at least half of them are wearing strategically draped scarves. WTF?? I mean, I don't mind a scarf on a dude every now and again; it's sorta sexy on the right guy. But when you see three out of six guys in the same room, on the same show modeling the same style, something is amiss. I mean, I'm pretty GD sure farmer Chris does not rock the scarf back in Iowa. He'd get his ass kicked by his own mother for doing something like that. Nick on the other hand looks like a pretty regular scarf wearer for sure. See how it works?
Charrison brings the date card and Marcus gets the first one-on-one date. Nick is disappointed, because he wants to spend every waking moment with Andi, which is getting creepier and creepier as we go along.
Love and Mussels
There's no rose on this date so these two are free to have some fun without the added pressure of the ominous rose on the shiny dish staring them down the whole time. Andi and Marcus wander around Brussels and admire the people, the languages and the culture. Andi does the voice over with all kinds of interesting information about Brussels even though I am pretty sure she said last season she'd never been out of the country. That means she's reading this stuff right from a script. Anyway, they end up at a French place to have mussels and wine (yum).
Marcus shares that he has been writing in his journal more than ever (sorta creepy) and that it's mostly about her (creepier). Then he tells her he flat out is in love with her (creepiest). Andi brings up that Marcus almost left at one point (huh? Did I miss that?) but he explains that it was because he was overwhelmed by how fast his feelings hit and wasn't sure he should stay. Smartest thought this guy has had yet...until he decided to stay. Marcus is VERY intense. He has pretty eyes, but no, no, FOCUS -- he's too intense. I don't see a sense of humor in there at all. He does a good strip tease though, I'll give him that.
Later on at dinner in a beautiful palace (these dates get more magical i.e. unrealistic every week), Marcus goes on and on about his love for her then shares details about his dad leaving and his childhood. It sounds dreadful and I feel bad he has to give all this up on TV just to ensure he doesn't get thrown out before hometowns. It's sad but it totally explains why Marcus is so quiet and intense. I'm afraid of what he'll do when Andi sends him home.
Next thing ya know, Marcus is getting home from his date and Nick is sneaking off while interviewing that he needs to make the most of all his time there, and if it means finding Andi when he's not supposed to, so be it! So the young man wanders down to the front desk, gives Andi's name to the attendant and some cockamamie story about being her husband and the woman promptly gives him a key to her room. Let's hope this is all staged by ABC and that European hotels don't actually give out women's room keys to strange, smarmy men. Next thing you know, Nick is knocking on Andi's door and surprising her. Long story short: Andi appreciates Nick would break the rules to see her and is grinning like a cat. She changes, they go for a walk and they make out a whole bunch. Annnnnd, scene.
Let's Ghent it On!
(That line made me laugh. I think Josh first read it as "Let's get it on!" and his testosterone surged.)
Anyway, the next one-on-one date is obviously with Josh, the anger ball. Andi has on yet another pair of white pants. Good golly, she is brave. Or else they made her lose 50 lbs before coming on the show, because that's the only reason ANYONE should wear white pants on TV. Another date of wandering -- this time around a town called "Ghent" (Josh must have been so disappointed). They come upon a goose parade, which is pretty cute, and Josh and Andi cuddle and dance while watching the geese go by. They have dinner at a castle where he yet again brings up how pissed he was about the lie detector test (he must really be hiding something major) and the fact that she dates/talks to other guys. Um, this is "The Bachelorette" pal. That's her job. Andi gets mopey listening to all this shit again and then has to practically draaaaaag out of him that he is truly interested in her and that he is falling in love. This makes her happy as a clam and I guess she forgets all the whining from the rest of the evening. They end the date dancing in front of some band I've never heard of.
Next up is the group date with Nick, Chris, Brian and Dylan. Based on the previews, I feel like this is the night for Chris to shine. I really think he's the best one, besides the whole farmer thing of course.
So she makes them peddle her through the countryside on a rail bike and they all look like they might die. Were they all sweaty and smelly after? Did anyone think this through?? They end up at a sacred monastery that has a no kissing rule (yeah right). Chris gets the first one-on-one time and they go all "Ghost" on us and mold some clay. It makes me feel weird, but then they start getting clay on each other and kissing and it's flirty and cute. Damn, he is dreamy. He opens up to her that although he hasn't had much time with her since their first date to the horse races, he's definitely falling in love with her (get in line pal). She seems happy with that info.
Brian goes next and basically says the same stuff, and talks about how much his family will love her. Nick tells her his family will know immediately how important Andi is to him with one look at his face. Dylan says a couple of things about his family that I do not at all remember. He is mos def first to go.
There's a point in here when the guys start harping on Nick again for being shady. Apparently now they think he is not there for the right reasons and the proof is that he does too much strategizing. He caught up on past seasons of the show and researches the cities they go to. If they only knew he was stealing her room key and visiting her under the cover of darkness, they'd really lose it.
OK then Andi tells them the kicker: which is that the dude who gets the group date rose gets to continue on with the date while the other schmucks get to go back to the hotel with nothing but their tears. Next thing you know she's giving the rose to Nick. Oh, Andi, you know you're going to pick Nick for a hometown anyway, why don't you give someone else some time?? I don't get this, unless Nick is actually the front runner, which I refuse to believe.
Nick gets more time with Andi and I tune it out because I find him full of bull and I don't want to listen any more. He gets back to the hotel to the guys who stop talking right when he walks in. No one says a thing until Brian speaks up and tells him he's fake and rude and they think he's going to leave when he gets to the final two (I assume they think his plan is to pull an Andi and leave thus increasing his chances of being the Bachelor next season?). Then Marcus chimes in that he is just trying to get in their heads. I find both comments really lame. Anyway, Nick defends himself AGAIN. How many times do we have to suffer through this same conversation? This is how boring this season is.
May I please know who does Andi's hair and wardrobe? I mean, she looks gorgeous in everything but the beauty pageant sparkly dresses and big bouffant hair styles have got to go.
In a nutshell, Dylan and Brian go home. No shocker there. She doesn't even walk them out, although she does shed a few tears. Poor sweet baby Brian has to hear the guys laughing and clinking glasses right after he walks out the door and shows the first sign that he's got some balls. You'll be peeling the ladies off ya when you get home dude. You'll be fine.
Next week looks interesting, yet still in a very boring way. I'm guessing the horse I put my money on is going to sprain a hoof when he tells Andi she can be a homemaker in Iowa. Seriously?? There are rumors Andi will be dancing with the stars and potentially the replacement on The View. You think she wants to be a housewife on a farm? I hope this is just clever editing to throw us off.
I still want his number though. XOXO