The Bachelorette, episode 5: mimes, drama and salty Nick


mime This week on The Bachelorette we find ourselves in Marseilles, which is a beautiful harbor town in the south of France.  Andi exclaims "Is that a harbor?" when seeing a harbor so we know she's in the right place.

Andi has a sit down with Charrison and I can't remember what they talked about because Charrison was wearing a horrid black turtleneck sweater that had some kind of shiny fabric woven into it.  It was so distracting I forgot what I was doing.

Oh right, the show.  This week we have the following guys left:

- Josh:  smarmy former baseball player from Atlanta - Dylan:  stoic Boston guy with sad family history - Chris:  adorable Iowa farmer who doesn't say much - Patrick:  who? just kidding. cute yet anonymous nice guy from CA - Cody:  my friend calls this guy "Mackleroid" - Nick:  self-proclaimed front-runner - Andrew:  the "bad guy" - Marquel:  loves cookies and hideous socks - Brian:  sweet and naive boy from PA with no game; hates to cook - JJ:  pot-stirrer with the crazy pants - Marcus:  I don't know what to say about this one; good at miming

OK so the first one-on-one date goes to Josh, the former pro-baseball player from Andi's hometown of Atlanta.  Josh and Andi go on a pretty boat and he tells her about his short-lived baseball career.  She asks him if he wishes he was still playing and he says no, he's glad to be there with her (or some BS like that).  He says that he knew he could never sustain that pro-athlete lifestyle because his true calling was to have a family.  He also tells her he's gonna whip her butt in tennis, which is a little sassy considering she played competitive tennis in high school (so says US Weekly).

Anyway, they hug and kiss and canoodle.  She shares her concerns again about him being bad for her.  He gets all faux-offended that she's stereotyping him, while playing his little flirty "I'm really innocent and shy!" reindeer games.  I'm probably jumping around here because I don't have the energy to recap all that was said between the boat and the dinner and then the creepy dancing in front of the singer at the end of their date.  I don't care for this guy but can see that perhaps he's going to make it far.

Next up is a group date with all of the other dudes except Brian, who will get the other one-on-one date.  She meets the guys in town wearing spiked high heels.  Just the shoes you want to wear when you're wobbling around on cobblestones!  She leads them to this studio where they are greeted by a mime.  They're going to learn how to mime!!

After a tutorial they head into the town square where they proceed to freak people out and make babies cry.  Marquel really gets into it and is silly and having loads of fun.  I love that guy.  Chris from Iowa seems to be getting into it, as does JJ.  Nick -- the one who has a touch of the "too cool for school" persona -- looks annoyed and bored and in the interview says that he hates the group dates and doesn't feel like participating.  Fine dude, whatever.  But you know they do all this silly stuff to see who can shake off their egos and just have some fun.  I'm suspecting this guy's ego is too big to shake, which to Andi should be a big red flag.

The night ends with the obligatory cocktail party where things get interesting.  We have two sets of drama:

1)  Cody and Nick get into a back and forth about something Nick said to mock Cody the day before...I think it might have been some comment about how thankful Cody should be to still be there.  That's rude (but true).  This goes back and forth for awhile with Cody getting up in Nick's face, and Nick being sarcastic and unimpressed with the whole thing.  I think he apologized? I can't remember.  So next thing you know Andi is grilling Chris and then Cody for dirt on what's going on.  Good for her.  If that was me, I wouldn't be able to resist asking for all the drama.  So she hears this stuff about Nick and interviews that she finds it pretty unsettling that the two nicest guys in the house both have something negative to say about Nick.  Things that make Andi go hmmm...

Then we see Nick getting his alone time and explaining away the drama like it's no big whoop.  She looks at him skeptically and calls him "salty" but next thing you know he's reading her a poem and they're smooching.  All is resolved.

2)  I almost forgot about drama #2:  JJ (who seems to be the king of the telephone game in this group), reports to Marquel and the rest of the guys that he heard (or someone told him?) that when Marquel and Ken both got roses on night 1, Andrew, the designated "bad guy," was overheard saying "Look, the two blackies got picked..."  JJ admits that Andrew could have said "black guys" but is sticking to the story of Andrew being a racist, which really effects Marquel who interviews later about how hard it is to always be referred to as "the black guy" wherever he goes.  He tears up a little and says that he needs to address this with Andrew.  He really seems like a sweet, vulnerable guy.

I need to sum this up quick because the whole situation seemed -- once again -- a little contrived.  Marquel very maturely confronts Andrew, who of course, denies he ever said, or would ever say, such a thing.  Marquel doesn't necessarily believe him but drops it after getting an apology and walks away.  I like him more and more every minute!  Andrew always has this awful smirk on his face that you want to smack off, so I don't doubt he said something about the "black guys" being selected, but unless they have the footage on camera I am not above believing this is an ABC plant to stir up drama and ratings.

OK this recap is getting too long so let's move along.  JJ gets the group date rose and I find that...I don't care.  Next date is with Brian, the bball coach who says one of his favorite movies is "The Notebook" on his online bio.  Um, that says a lot.  Andi and Brian stroll into a tiny cinema where they find a couch and movie snacks waiting for them.  They get to watch some movie that I assume is produced by Disney and is coming soon to a theater near you.  Brian says "this is my favorite type of date!"  to which I say to the TV: "because you are afraid to have a conversation??"  My friend Kerri says I am being too hard on him -- that perhaps he just enjoys doing something "normal" on this crazy, abnormal show.  Point taken.

After the movie they stroll through a market and buy some stuff to make dinner, including frog's legs.  Brian interviews that he hates to cook.  Ruh-roh.  They get to Andi's adorable apartment and she starts cooking.  He is a bystander to it all and gets super quiet and uninterested.  Andi interviews that she is not impressed with his attitude or his demeanor, saying that he should take the opportunity to get close to her and do it together.  She seems done with the guy -- which is fine by me.  I think Brian is sweet, but a little vanilla.  They sit down to eat the meal that Andi made (essentially by herself) and discover that it tastes bad and decide to go to a restaurant.  Brian seems to get that he blew it in the kitchen and tries to make up for it quick by turning on the second-chance-charm that he's resorted to before and she gives him the rose (no!!).  They proceed to get hot and heavy in some hallway or alley or something.  And.......scene.

Cut to the rose ceremony.  Andi (and her interesting hair-do) sits down with Charrison and says she's about to make a big cut:  three guys.  She says she's ready and in fact, doesn't even want a cocktail party.  She knows who she's sending home. Good for her.  I'd want to just get it over with too.

So we say goodbye to Andrew (good riddance), Patrick (who we didn't even get to know) and Marquel.  Marquel???  He was so sweet and adorable (but what is he wearing?? Knickers?).  He even cried a little about wanting to find love in his exit interview.  Bachelor 2015??

Next week: Venice!